Internalizing vs. externalizing

People tend to either internalize or externalize their emotional stress. Internalizers hold their anger and stress in- which leads to depression and tension. Externalizers, on the other hand, tend to act out aggressively with blame and sarcasm. They often challenge others and exhibit passive-aggressive behavior.

This often translates to the way we treat responsibility and blame. Internalizers tend to take on too much responsibility. That is, they take responsibility for things they are not responsible for. They personalize things and blame themselves when things go wrong. Meanwhile, externalizers take on too little responsibility. They blame others for things that they themselves are responsible for.

So envision a continuum with internalizing on one end and externalizing on the other. A balance of expression and responsibility is the healthy goal in this model. So internalizers need to express anger and aggression (or externalize) more, while externalizers needs to contain their aggressive expression (or internalize) more. Thus, they can learn from each other.

Similarly, internalizers need to move toward the center of the responsibility continuum by ceasing to take responsibility for others. And externalizers need to cease shifting their responsibility to others.

So which adjustment might you need to make? Do you need to express anger and aggression more or less? Do you need to take less or more responsibility?

That is why general admonishments such as “You need to take more responsibility,” or “Anger and aggression are bad or destructive” often fall short of the mark.

It is all relative to what your internalizing or externalizing tendency is.

Oh, I could never do that

Sure you could. You just tell yourself that you cannot so you don’t have to consider it. When we think of doing something we are drawn to, but is out of our comfort zone, it creates conflict and tension. Plus, there is the fear of doing it. The most convenient way to alleviate the tension and fear is to take away the thing we are drawn to. Such is the death of many possibilities, invitations, and ideas- before they ever get a chance.

If we would just be willing to endure the tension and fear for a little while, some of these possibilities might stand a chance. But many of us have become wimps when it comes to such tension and fear. Much easier to dismiss it with nary a thought.

An unfortunate by-product of this is that we are continually telling ourselves that we cannot do things. Pretty soon we start believing it. Before long, we create a belief system that we are incapable. When you think about it, it is easier to be incapable. We don’t have to take responsibility for our choices.

One way to break this tendency is to own that you that you could do it, but do not want to. Or that you could do it, but it would be really scary. Or you might fail. Or it would be really hard. And so forth. At least this way, you are being honest with yourself. You are giving to yourself straight. And you are forcing yourself to deal with the possibilities that are presenting themselves to you.

Although that is rarely comfortable either. I suppose if you want access to the doorways that are opening themselves to you, you may have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

You hurt my feelings

There are two sides of telling someone your feelings are hurt. On one hand, in order to walk open and honest, you need to express when your feelings get hurt. On the other hand, never lose perspective that your feelings being hurt is your issue. What that person did or said is filtered through your belief systems, perceptions, and past experiences. You are the one that had an issue with it.

The primary things that need to happen when your feelings get hurt is giving and getting information. You need to give them information of what they did or said, how you interpreted it, and how you felt. This will help them understand how you tend to translate things and communicate with you more compassionately. You need to get information about what they intended. In other words, find out what they meant by it.

Since it is critical for both of you to understand that your feelings being hurt is your issue, it is often beneficial to use I statements and take responsibility for what you’re feeling. You might say, “When you said, ‘Why did you do that?’ I took it that you were suggesting that I did it the wrong way. I felt hurt.”

So telling someone they hurt your feelings is actually not the most effective way to tell them they hurt your feelings. Hmm? Better to own how you interpreted it and how you felt.

The challenge is of course that when you are expressing your hurt feelings, it is challenging to own anything. Because after all, your feelings are hurt. It feels like they were mean to you… mistreated you… were insensitive… and whatever else. So there is a tendency to assume that they were.

So why not take a step back and ask them?… “When you said, I was ______, what did you mean by that?”

Emotional responsibility.

 ”All of your feelings eventually do come out to play. You can either address them willingly- or on your hands and knees” Bart Anderson.

People stress taking responsibility for all kinds of things these days. But what about being responsible to what you are feeling? The overall healthiest thing you can do with a feeling is to express it. Feelings are energy; energy works best when we experience (feel) it and release it. So it would follow that emotional responsibility is committing to whenever you experience a significant feeling, you find someone to express it to. Think of it as being responsible to yourself.

It needn’t always be the same person. One person may better accept one feeling and another person may  more readily accept another. Discernment is essential when identifying someone to share your feeling with. Their ability to accept the feeling you need to express is the most essential quality in choosing someone to express your feeling to. Someone that has a similar life experience may be able to understand and relate to the feeling.

Obviously some feelings are best expressed to the person you are feeling them toward. Relational feelings such as anger and love work best when they are expressed directly to the person you feel them toward.

Journaling is also an excellent tool to express your feelings. Often feelings and their corresponding thoughts will cycle around and around your psyche until you place them outside of yourself. Writing allows you to concretize your feelings outside of yourself so you can relate to them. Just like sometimes you need to hear yourself saying something to someone in order to understand it.

And don’t think about it too much. Note that you are feeling something, identify someone to share it with, and start expressing.

You might feel a little vulnerable afterwards- that means you are doing it right.

Your first responsibility is to yourself

Before we can be of service to anyone else, we have to take care of ourselves. I call this keep ourselves intact. This includes: taking care of our emotional needs; taking care of ourselves financially; attending to our health; not allowing others to mistreat us.

I like to use the metaphor of the mother lioness. What is the first thing she does when she kills dinner for her cubs? She eats her fill. She knows that if she is not strong and healthy, she cannot hunt or care for her cubs.

Being selfless is great. Uplifting others and making a difference in other people’s lives may be our highest calling. But how can you do this effectively if you do not take care of yourself? Otherwise it just turns into martyrdom- which eventually ends up not being healthy for anyone.

We all have emotional needs. We have things that recharge our batteries. We have to attend to these things on a regular basis. This ultimately gets down to living a balanced life.

Yes, life can get busy. If you are raising children, it may feel like there is no time for yourself. But there has to be. If you do not take care of your emotional needs, you will start meeting them though interacting with your children. This creates confusion and emotional issues for your children. If you are in a helping profession, the same thing applies. You have to meet your emotional needs- outside of your clients or students.

If you are in a crisis, take care of it. But return to your balanced state and recharge your batteries as soon as the crisis passes.

Because… there are people counting on you. If you do not take care of yourself, how can you possibly be there for them?