You hurt my feelings

There are two sides of telling someone your feelings are hurt. On one hand, in order to walk open and honest, you need to express when your feelings get hurt. On the other hand, never lose perspective that your feelings being hurt is your issue. What that person did or said is filtered through your belief systems, perceptions, and past experiences. You are the one that had an issue with it.

The primary things that need to happen when your feelings get hurt is giving and getting information. You need to give them information of what they did or said, how you interpreted it, and how you felt. This will help them understand how you tend to translate things and communicate with you more compassionately. You need to get information about what they intended. In other words, find out what they meant by it.

Since it is critical for both of you to understand that your feelings being hurt is your issue, it is often beneficial to use I statements and take responsibility for what you’re feeling. You might say, “When you said, ‘Why did you do that?’ I took it that you were suggesting that I did it the wrong way. I felt hurt.”

So telling someone they hurt your feelings is actually not the most effective way to tell them they hurt your feelings. Hmm? Better to own how you interpreted it and how you felt.

The challenge is of course that when you are expressing your hurt feelings, it is challenging to own anything. Because after all, your feelings are hurt. It feels like they were mean to you… mistreated you… were insensitive… and whatever else. So there is a tendency to assume that they were.

So why not take a step back and ask them?… “When you said, I was ______, what did you mean by that?”

Love, hate- You choose.

You may have heard that love and hate are not opposite emotions- but actually quite close. They both represent a high level of caring and involvement. The opposite of love is more like indifference or not caring.

Bart Anderson, Zen Master, took it a step further. He stressed that emotions and their seeming opposites (like love and hate) are actually the same emotion. That they are the same intensity and are stimulated from the same place of love- a stimulus for movement. How we translate that emotion is all in context to the way it was perceived.

So you are in love. Then you perceive that you have been betrayed. That feeling quickly flips to hate.

Or if your child tells you they hate you when you do not give them what they want- don’t freak out. Realize they love you- but are reflecting it into hate at that moment. If you accept it and do not react, they move through it rather quickly.

Bart Anderson also taught that we ultimately make the choice on which way how we reflect this emotion. Sure we may have belief systems and or behavioral patterns affect our perception and seem to make this choice for us. But if we add a little awareness and diligence into the mix, we can have a free choice.

So the next time you find yourself hating someone, remind yourself that you care a great deal for this person. Consider whether this is the best course of action. Hate can become love. Judgment can become acceptance. Resentment can become forgiveness.

Fear can become courage. Indifference can become passion. Boredom can become curiosity and inquisitiveness. Self-pity can become get over it.

So how do you choose to feel? Loving someone sure does beat the alternative. It likely will be a lot harder, though.

That is how I see it

I have heard Native Americans (mostly in movies) give their perspective on something and then say, “That is how I see it.”  It always seemed so clear and strong. They share their perception on what is going on with someone and yet they have no need for the person to do anything with it. It is a free gift.

Sharing your perception on what is going on with someone is the most powerful thing you can offer them. Your perspective on their situation is shaped from all of our life experiences. It is different than theirs. They are able to see the sitation from a different perspective. They can use this to better understand the situation that they are in.

What I also like about this expression is that it is humble- yet powerful. It is not claiming to be the overall truth or the correct way to see it. It is merely that way that I see it. It is my truth- nothing more, nothing less. I simply offer it for you to consider and do with as you will.

So when someone asks me what I think or shares something with me, I strive for this approach. I offer them the way I see it.

I cannot think of a better gift to give someone. It is so clear and strong. That is the way I see it.