Are you too available?

How do you invest your most precious resource- your time and energy? Do you determine how your time will be spent or is it determined by responding to the demands and needs of others?  Did you choose to be on the school, church, or neighborhood committee, or did it choose you?

Coworkers, husbands/wives, children, friends, and community members constantly have needs. And they seem to have a “Drop what you’re doing, I have something I need from you” mentality. Obviously, there are some people, things, and times that you need to be available to. But is it all the time?

In the process of being available all the time or too available, your dreams and passions do not receive enough focus enough to be developed. They gradually drift away.

Be dynamic instead of passive. Dynamic people prioritize the things they are passionate about. They make time to focus on the things they care about. They train their family, fellow employees, and friends to not interrupt them during these times. The family learns that this is Mommy’s time to paint, write, or work on her project. If you have something you need during this time ask Daddy. Employees accept that you are not to be disturbed during your creative, brainstorming time. Or you simply choose to not answer your cell phone (out of obligation) during these times. Some wake up before their family does to have time for their project. It is that important to them.

So do some soul-searching. reconnect with something you are passionate about. Then make time for it. Schedule it in first. Insist that people respect it. Besides, it is a great thing to model for your kids and the people around you.

Otherwise, you become the brunt of an old joke on codependency. “What happens when a passive person (codependent) dies? They see someone else’s life flash before their eyes.” Don’t be that person.

Get together

What if you get together up on Saturday morning with your significant other or friend and shared what each of you wanted to do this weekend. And then do some of those things together.

One of you may want to rake leaves, see a new movie that just released, and take their son to the park. The other may want to visit a friend in the hospital, shampoo their carpet, and delve into their new art project. You could each rank them in order of importance and then do those things together. Start with each of your number one thing that you wanted to do.

Work as a team to make that experience as rich as possible. Put your heads together to tag-team something that one of you has been putting off. Support one another to take a risk and try something new. Explore and enjoy those things together.

Intimacy requires exposure and discovery. You would both be able to expose and share part of your world with the other. Each of you would be able to allow another human being in on something that is really important to you. They could experience it with you. They would get to know and understand that part of you.

In turn, both of you would be able to discover part of your partner or friend’s world. You would get to experience what is important to them and what life feels like to them. You would understand why that is important to them. You would get to share in something that they are excited about. You could feel something that they feel sad about.

You would have some shared experiences with each other. Nothing makes a relationship stronger.

And you would no longer feel like you are all alone. You now have a cohort in crime. A friend. A partner.

Forgive yourself for not giving yourself what is important to you

“Did they get you to trade

Roger Waters, Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here (listen to song on YouTube)

It was us that made the choices to walk way from the things we wanted most. Nobody took them from us. It just felt like that. We allowed it. We sold ourselves short. We gave up the things mattered most. We let ourselves down. We betrayed ourselves.

Our issue is with ourselves. We just keep projecting it on to everyone around us. It is too painful to admit that we did it to ourselves.

It is time we healed this. We need to make amends to ourselves. We must forgive ourselves for not giving ourselves the things we wanted most. Making amends has two parts: 1. Forgiving ourselves; 2. Promising ourselves that it will never happen again. Dealing with this prevents us from pushing it away.

Because… if we took it from ourselves- then we can still provide to ourselves. It is within our control. Everything you always wanted is still available to you. All of your dreams. They just may present themselves a little differently. The characters and set may be different, but the plot is the same. I promise you it is still there for you- if you just allow it. You have to believe in possibility.

All we have to do is accept that it was us that let our dream slip away, and forgive ourselves. Then we can stop pushing it away and start seeing possibilities.

Could get pretty scary and sad- but the stakes are high. And what have you got to lose? A lead role in a cage?

The perfect time of year to let the things that no longer serve you die

The Native American Medicine Wheel is a powerful way to tune into the cycles of the earth and life. My tradition teaches that this time of year late winter or the northeast and late winter- the death of the old. It is the perfect time to let things in your life that no longer serve you die. This makes room for things to be born in the spring.

Celebrate your relationship with some holiday romance

The holidays are busy. They are kids, friends, and extended family to consider. With all of this, we often forget to consider the most primary relationship of all- our marriage or significant other relationship. How we spend the holidays is a testament to what is most important to us (see How We Spend Holidays blog). Are we remembering to honor and acknowledge our mate relationship by setting aside time for some holiday romance?