You hurt my feelings

There are two sides of telling someone your feelings are hurt. On one hand, in order to walk open and honest, you need to express when your feelings get hurt. On the other hand, never lose perspective that your feelings being hurt is your issue. What that person did or said is filtered through your belief systems, perceptions, and past experiences. You are the one that had an issue with it.

The primary things that need to happen when your feelings get hurt is giving and getting information. You need to give them information of what they did or said, how you interpreted it, and how you felt. This will help them understand how you tend to translate things and communicate with you more compassionately. You need to get information about what they intended. In other words, find out what they meant by it.

Since it is critical for both of you to understand that your feelings being hurt is your issue, it is often beneficial to use I statements and take responsibility for what you’re feeling. You might say, “When you said, ‘Why did you do that?’ I took it that you were suggesting that I did it the wrong way. I felt hurt.”

So telling someone they hurt your feelings is actually not the most effective way to tell them they hurt your feelings. Hmm? Better to own how you interpreted it and how you felt.

The challenge is of course that when you are expressing your hurt feelings, it is challenging to own anything. Because after all, your feelings are hurt. It feels like they were mean to you… mistreated you… were insensitive… and whatever else. So there is a tendency to assume that they were.

So why not take a step back and ask them?… “When you said, I was ______, what did you mean by that?”

Reduce their defensiveness

People get really defensive. I think it is because our current culture has become so critical and judgmental. People do not hear what you are saying when they get defensive.

Yet, it is essential to give people feedback as to how their behavior affects you. I believe defensiveness is the number one barrier when giving someone feedback.

When you think about it, when you are giving someone feedback, you are actually making a request for them to change something in themselves so the two of you can interact more effectively. You are asking a lot. If you make the request about you, they are likely to be less defensive.

There is a communication technique that encourages the use of I statements (instead of you demands) when communicating what you need from someone. For instance, “I would like it you would listen to me for a minute before turning the TV on,” creates much less defensiveness then, “You always turn the TV on right when you get home.” Note that adding always tends to add more defensiveness.

After all, whose need is it? They believe their existing way of doing things is working well for them. It is us who needs them to change something. So why not make it about you?

To create even less defensiveness than the I statement technique, add in asking it like a favor. Then throw in how it would benefit you and your interaction/relationship for good measure: “It would help me out if
you could listen to me for a while when you got off work- rather then turning the TV on right away. It would mean a lot to me and help me feel closer to you.”

You let them feel like they are helping you out. You let them save face. There is nothing for them to get defensive about.