A tendency to share the least with the people we are “closest”

Ever spill your guts to a stranger? And then say you are the only person that I have ever told that to. Ever wonder why did I do that?

Our investment in a relationship with a stranger is less. As we invest more and more in a relationship, it becomes more risky to expose ideas and feelings that are out of the box. There is a marriage at stake. We don’t want to threaten the friendship. So there is a tendency to become less vulnerable and honest as the investment in the relationship increases. Unfortunately, this tendency to stay safe keeps the relationship superficial.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. People in strong and vital relationships continually take risks with each other. Each person exposes vulnerabilities trusting the other will accept that part of them.

Before any of this can happen, the relationship has to feel safe. To create emotional safety (also known as trust), we have to resist sarcastic and flippant comments when the other person is being real. When someone is vulnerable it often stirs up feelings in us. If we are not paying attention, we unconsciously say something to shut them down- so we do not have to feel. There is no place for cleverness, criticism, or advice when someone is sharing. One snide comment can shut the other person down. Then we are back to being superficial.

So at any given moment, we choose being close or superficial in our relationships. Closeness requires taking emotional risks and embracing whatever the other shares about herself. You cannot have both at the same time- you have to choose.

Choosing closeness means we are not left with sharing the things most precious to us in the line at the grocery store or when we drink too much.

Honestly…

Honesty is sharing how you really feel about something. There is more to it than “always telling the truth” or not lying.

So why is it so hard to be honest? Sometimes it hurts peoples feelings. They might get mad at you or not like you as much. It is risky. It often exposes how you really feel- which can make you feel vulnerable.

Dishonesty and deception might also provide short-term advantage and power in business and personal relationships. But recently, there is an emphasis on transparency in business ethics. Apparently, we are tired of people lying to us. Honesty is hugely powerful in creating long-term business and personal relationships. People find honesty refreshing. They are looking for someone to be straight with them.

Now obviously it may not be best to honestly tell your boss that you have little respect for him. A little discernment can go a long way. It is most effective to discern each individual experience. When someone shares something, ask yourself, “Why are they saying to me? Why are they sharing that with me?” That defines the nature of your honesty. You can always tell when someone really wants to know what you think. Then it is natural to be honest.

And it is essential to examine the parameters of the relationship. What is your role? It is likely part of your job or relationship to share what you think. So ask yourself, “What is the intention of this meeting or interaction? Does my role include pointing out discrepancies- even if they are not popular?” Then it is your duty to be honest.

I have found it best for me to error on the side of honesty. Sometimes it stirs things up and rocks the boat. Maybe the boat needs to be rocked.

And yes, you may take some hits for it. But isn’t it nice to know that you said your piece? That you were honest? That you maintained your integrity?

Connecting with others is not an intellectual process

Our intellect is like a computer. It processes and accesses information.

It is not meant to take the place of your instincts and intuition. Connecting with others in social situations is not an intellectual process. This requires discernment and social judgment- which are not born of the intellect. Connecting with others comes from the gut. It goes by feel. It is creative and spontaneous. It is art.

Many try to make connecting with others an intellectual process. It is safe. It does not hurt as much when you get rejected. You don’t have to feel the stress of how you affected others. You don’t have to get any on you.

So… people imitate genuine social connection and try to pull it off intellectually. It doesn’t work. It always feels contrived. You cannot connect with someone with your intellect- at least with any depth. So it never really feels right. The people you interact with walk away unfulfilled. Their need for human connection did not get met. Yours didn’t either. This leads to loneliness and depression in yourself and the people who are trying to get close to you.

If you know someone that is intellectual in social interactions- try to engage them. Invite them to be real and spontaneous. It may make them uncomfortable, but it is their only hope for human connection. If you cannot entice them to interact from their heart, you will have to find other people to meet your emotional needs.

So… take some social risks. Say what comes to you. Spontaneously express how you feel- even if you don’t know the outcome. Throw away that intellectual filter you run everything through. It may lead to some awkward experiences- but at least they are real. And they are honest. You will get better at it the more you do it.

You get to connect with people again. You will feel more vital and alive. And… there is no place for depression and loneliness.

Pure emotion is a stimulus for movement

Is it emotion or emotional? Emotion is the pure feeling, and emotional is the reaction to the feeling. Sadness is the the pure emotion. Moodiness, depression, self-pity are reactions to the sadness. We often indulge in the emotional or reaction to in order to avoid the pure feeling.

Is there something you are trying to say to me?

Ever have someone try to communicate with you indirectly? They might hint at something, rather than directly asking you. They might say one thing, but really mean something else. They might even say something to their pet that is really intended for you. Is it just me, or is this maddening? It always seems a bit childish to me.