You hurt my feelings

There are two sides of telling someone your feelings are hurt. On one hand, in order to walk open and honest, you need to express when your feelings get hurt. On the other hand, never lose perspective that your feelings being hurt is your issue. What that person did or said is filtered through your belief systems, perceptions, and past experiences. You are the one that had an issue with it.

The primary things that need to happen when your feelings get hurt is giving and getting information. You need to give them information of what they did or said, how you interpreted it, and how you felt. This will help them understand how you tend to translate things and communicate with you more compassionately. You need to get information about what they intended. In other words, find out what they meant by it.

Since it is critical for both of you to understand that your feelings being hurt is your issue, it is often beneficial to use I statements and take responsibility for what you’re feeling. You might say, “When you said, ‘Why did you do that?’ I took it that you were suggesting that I did it the wrong way. I felt hurt.”

So telling someone they hurt your feelings is actually not the most effective way to tell them they hurt your feelings. Hmm? Better to own how you interpreted it and how you felt.

The challenge is of course that when you are expressing your hurt feelings, it is challenging to own anything. Because after all, your feelings are hurt. It feels like they were mean to you… mistreated you… were insensitive… and whatever else. So there is a tendency to assume that they were.

So why not take a step back and ask them?… “When you said, I was ______, what did you mean by that?”

Get into their world with them

There is no better gift that you can give to someone than to experience their world with them. Obviously, in order to do this, you have to be willing to get out of your own world. The only skill you need is to inquisitively ask questions. This happens naturally if you sincerely try to understand what their world is like.

Everybody wins when you seek to understand something that is important to another human being. The person whose world you enter gets to share something precious. You may be surprised to learn how few people they have been able to do that with. It fulfills an unmet emotional need just by taking a few moments to understand what they are passionate about. They feel heard and understood. They no longer have to stand alone in their world.

Less obvious is the way that you will win. You will learn about all kinds of new things. You will learn some things about who another human being really is. They will expose something real about themselves.  You will feel their passion with them. It is as honest as interactions get. You get the value of connecting with another person. Your network of human connection just grew larger. You just became stronger and more grounded.

It can start by asking someone what they are doing. Or… by asking some inquisitive questions when they tell you what they did over the weekend.  Or… asking someone about something while you wait in line. Or… by simply taking the time when someone offers to show you something. The latter is a natural inroad to connecting with children. Do you take the time to check out the new fort that they built?

So try it on for size. You will be amazed at the response you get.  They will never forget that you cared enough to get into their world with them.

How human of you

Observe yourself. Take a day to observe the way you respond to people and various things. Observe your thoughts and your feelings. It takes some courage to take an honest look. And then totally accept everything that you observe about yourself. Don’t analyze it or put it in a box. Take away the, “I shouldn’t think that” (because you just did).

Take a deep breath and celebrate your humanity. It is you- uncensored. You might observe yourself: being defensive; being irreverent; getting your feelings hurt over something seemingly silly; checking out someone’s butt; thinking about how you have lost respect for someone, or making a snide comment to yourself about someone that is wasting your time with their mindless drivel. How human of you.

There may be some dark things. You may notice some anger, bitterness, jealousy, judgement, selfishness, or lechery. If you can accept these things as a part of you right now, you have made a huge step toward being free. After all, you have to embrace something about yourself before you can let it go.

Or maybe you are cool just the way you are. People told you it was not OK to be the way you are- they were wrong.

My favorite definition meditation is “receptivity to self” (Bart Anderson). You basically observe your thoughts without getting attached to them. So… practice some meditation as you walk through your day.

There is nothing that icky in there. I guarantee there is some really cool, human stuff. And at least it’s real. So let yourself have it.

Old school in a new way…

I have always been drawn to people that are old school. They stand for something and have a strong sense of self and values. Our culture has progressed in a way that we have left some essential old school values behind- honesty, integrity, sense of community, etc. Old school people can help us reclaim these qualities.

That being said, old school people can be a bit… how should I say this… set in their ways. Some have had a difficult time accepting that the world has changed. They still see their old school qualities being applied in the same way as before the world changed. They can’t understand why the kids these days won’t “fly right.”

And then we have younger, progressive, innovative people. They are essential in us solving our problems and moving forward. They are creative. They understand technology. We desperately need them as well. They are our future. Yet sometimes they can be a bit… flighty.

What if we took some of those old school qualities and applied them in a totally new way to today’s world? Honesty and integrity needs to reformat itself in today’s world. It is not as cut and dry as it once was. Things are much more complex. Sense of community is not going to happen the way it did in the 1950′s or 60′s. The world is totally different now.

So my challenge for us is for the old school and the innovative to come together- inside of ourselves and between each other. I envision a grandparent teaching their grandchild how to stand for something. And then listening and exploring with the grandchild about how they could stand for something in our world today. Working together.

After that we could have a barn raising. Or maybe a solar panel raising.

A tendency to share the least with the people we are “closest”

Ever spill your guts to a stranger? And then say you are the only person that I have ever told that to. Ever wonder why did I do that?

Our investment in a relationship with a stranger is less. As we invest more and more in a relationship, it becomes more risky to expose ideas and feelings that are out of the box. There is a marriage at stake. We don’t want to threaten the friendship. So there is a tendency to become less vulnerable and honest as the investment in the relationship increases. Unfortunately, this tendency to stay safe keeps the relationship superficial.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. People in strong and vital relationships continually take risks with each other. Each person exposes vulnerabilities trusting the other will accept that part of them.

Before any of this can happen, the relationship has to feel safe. To create emotional safety (also known as trust), we have to resist sarcastic and flippant comments when the other person is being real. When someone is vulnerable it often stirs up feelings in us. If we are not paying attention, we unconsciously say something to shut them down- so we do not have to feel. There is no place for cleverness, criticism, or advice when someone is sharing. One snide comment can shut the other person down. Then we are back to being superficial.

So at any given moment, we choose being close or superficial in our relationships. Closeness requires taking emotional risks and embracing whatever the other shares about herself. You cannot have both at the same time- you have to choose.

Choosing closeness means we are not left with sharing the things most precious to us in the line at the grocery store or when we drink too much.