You hurt my feelings

There are two sides of telling someone your feelings are hurt. On one hand, in order to walk open and honest, you need to express when your feelings get hurt. On the other hand, never lose perspective that your feelings being hurt is your issue. What that person did or said is filtered through your belief systems, perceptions, and past experiences. You are the one that had an issue with it.

The primary things that need to happen when your feelings get hurt is giving and getting information. You need to give them information of what they did or said, how you interpreted it, and how you felt. This will help them understand how you tend to translate things and communicate with you more compassionately. You need to get information about what they intended. In other words, find out what they meant by it.

Since it is critical for both of you to understand that your feelings being hurt is your issue, it is often beneficial to use I statements and take responsibility for what you’re feeling. You might say, “When you said, ‘Why did you do that?’ I took it that you were suggesting that I did it the wrong way. I felt hurt.”

So telling someone they hurt your feelings is actually not the most effective way to tell them they hurt your feelings. Hmm? Better to own how you interpreted it and how you felt.

The challenge is of course that when you are expressing your hurt feelings, it is challenging to own anything. Because after all, your feelings are hurt. It feels like they were mean to you… mistreated you… were insensitive… and whatever else. So there is a tendency to assume that they were.

So why not take a step back and ask them?… “When you said, I was ______, what did you mean by that?”

Emotional responsibility.

 ”All of your feelings eventually do come out to play. You can either address them willingly- or on your hands and knees” Bart Anderson.

People stress taking responsibility for all kinds of things these days. But what about being responsible to what you are feeling? The overall healthiest thing you can do with a feeling is to express it. Feelings are energy; energy works best when we experience (feel) it and release it. So it would follow that emotional responsibility is committing to whenever you experience a significant feeling, you find someone to express it to. Think of it as being responsible to yourself.

It needn’t always be the same person. One person may better accept one feeling and another person may  more readily accept another. Discernment is essential when identifying someone to share your feeling with. Their ability to accept the feeling you need to express is the most essential quality in choosing someone to express your feeling to. Someone that has a similar life experience may be able to understand and relate to the feeling.

Obviously some feelings are best expressed to the person you are feeling them toward. Relational feelings such as anger and love work best when they are expressed directly to the person you feel them toward.

Journaling is also an excellent tool to express your feelings. Often feelings and their corresponding thoughts will cycle around and around your psyche until you place them outside of yourself. Writing allows you to concretize your feelings outside of yourself so you can relate to them. Just like sometimes you need to hear yourself saying something to someone in order to understand it.

And don’t think about it too much. Note that you are feeling something, identify someone to share it with, and start expressing.

You might feel a little vulnerable afterwards- that means you are doing it right.

Connecting with others is not an intellectual process

Our intellect is like a computer. It processes and accesses information.

It is not meant to take the place of your instincts and intuition. Connecting with others in social situations is not an intellectual process. This requires discernment and social judgment- which are not born of the intellect. Connecting with others comes from the gut. It goes by feel. It is creative and spontaneous. It is art.

Many try to make connecting with others an intellectual process. It is safe. It does not hurt as much when you get rejected. You don’t have to feel the stress of how you affected others. You don’t have to get any on you.

So… people imitate genuine social connection and try to pull it off intellectually. It doesn’t work. It always feels contrived. You cannot connect with someone with your intellect- at least with any depth. So it never really feels right. The people you interact with walk away unfulfilled. Their need for human connection did not get met. Yours didn’t either. This leads to loneliness and depression in yourself and the people who are trying to get close to you.

If you know someone that is intellectual in social interactions- try to engage them. Invite them to be real and spontaneous. It may make them uncomfortable, but it is their only hope for human connection. If you cannot entice them to interact from their heart, you will have to find other people to meet your emotional needs.

So… take some social risks. Say what comes to you. Spontaneously express how you feel- even if you don’t know the outcome. Throw away that intellectual filter you run everything through. It may lead to some awkward experiences- but at least they are real. And they are honest. You will get better at it the more you do it.

You get to connect with people again. You will feel more vital and alive. And… there is no place for depression and loneliness.

Look inside yourself for guidance and direction

Our culture encourages us to look outside of ourselves on how to be. What direction are things moving? How do I fit? What is socially acceptable? But maybe our culture is more lost than you are. We look to each other and patterns of behavior and trends are formed. Someone declares that this is the new way to be. It has no anchor. The blind are leading the blind.

Personality is a choice

Our personality has a lot to do with how we respond to things. It is often based on our behavioral patterns, belief systems, and identity- the things we think that we are.