Get into their world with them

There is no better gift that you can give to someone than to experience their world with them. Obviously, in order to do this, you have to be willing to get out of your own world. The only skill you need is to inquisitively ask questions. This happens naturally if you sincerely try to understand what their world is like.

Everybody wins when you seek to understand something that is important to another human being. The person whose world you enter gets to share something precious. You may be surprised to learn how few people they have been able to do that with. It fulfills an unmet emotional need just by taking a few moments to understand what they are passionate about. They feel heard and understood. They no longer have to stand alone in their world.

Less obvious is the way that you will win. You will learn about all kinds of new things. You will learn some things about who another human being really is. They will expose something real about themselves.  You will feel their passion with them. It is as honest as interactions get. You get the value of connecting with another person. Your network of human connection just grew larger. You just became stronger and more grounded.

It can start by asking someone what they are doing. Or… by asking some inquisitive questions when they tell you what they did over the weekend.  Or… asking someone about something while you wait in line. Or… by simply taking the time when someone offers to show you something. The latter is a natural inroad to connecting with children. Do you take the time to check out the new fort that they built?

So try it on for size. You will be amazed at the response you get.  They will never forget that you cared enough to get into their world with them.

Holidays a big deal at the emotional level

Like it or not- at the emotional level, the holidays and birthdays are a big deal.

Have you ever said to yourself, “What is the big deal? Christmas Eve or my birthday is just another day.” And then spent it by yourself or in some “business as usual” fashion. And then got hit with this wall of emotion. Often it is sadness about being alone or not with people that are able to make it special for you.

So this year prepare. Think about where you want to be. I recommend being with the people that are most important to you. And think about what type of celebration will meet your emotional needs. Even if you say Christmas it is all about the kids or about family. There is some little thing that makes the holiday special for you. Find it.

And then make sure you celebrate it. Do not blow it off. This is no time to be a martyr. You are a human being. You have emotional needs. I guarantee some of them are correlated with the holidays.

Maybe it is a tradition that you like to celebrate. Or maybe it is time to create a new tradition- with a new family or new significant other. Now is the time to think about it and plan it.

Or maybe now is the time to adjust your plans. Does sleeping in twin beds at your in-laws on Christmas Eve really work for you?  Money sent on a motel room can be worth its weight in gold at times like this. Your significant other may say, “But it will hurt their feelings if we don’t stay with them.”

Simply say, “Yeah, but it will hurt my feelings if we do.” Whose life is it anyway?

Your first responsibility is to yourself

Before we can be of service to anyone else, we have to take care of ourselves. I call this keep ourselves intact. This includes: taking care of our emotional needs; taking care of ourselves financially; attending to our health; not allowing others to mistreat us.

I like to use the metaphor of the mother lioness. What is the first thing she does when she kills dinner for her cubs? She eats her fill. She knows that if she is not strong and healthy, she cannot hunt or care for her cubs.

Being selfless is great. Uplifting others and making a difference in other people’s lives may be our highest calling. But how can you do this effectively if you do not take care of yourself? Otherwise it just turns into martyrdom- which eventually ends up not being healthy for anyone.

We all have emotional needs. We have things that recharge our batteries. We have to attend to these things on a regular basis. This ultimately gets down to living a balanced life.

Yes, life can get busy. If you are raising children, it may feel like there is no time for yourself. But there has to be. If you do not take care of your emotional needs, you will start meeting them though interacting with your children. This creates confusion and emotional issues for your children. If you are in a helping profession, the same thing applies. You have to meet your emotional needs- outside of your clients or students.

If you are in a crisis, take care of it. But return to your balanced state and recharge your batteries as soon as the crisis passes.

Because… there are people counting on you. If you do not take care of yourself, how can you possibly be there for them?

Expand your social horizons with “social arenas”

During this ideal time for introspection that corresponds with winter and New Years, some of us may decide that we need to expand our social horizons. We may be single and feeling a little lonely and isolated. We may be in relationships and/or friendships that are no longer meeting our emotional needs. We may be raising children and/or working a lot and not getting out very often. The holiday blues may be a reminder that we have not been attending to our emotional needs effectively.

Being thankful is not taking people for granted

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you had an awesome day. Giving thanks is a cornerstone of most every religious and spiritual path for a reason. One factor is that the practice of giving thanks prevents one of the most destructive habits of relationships- taking people for granted.