Common ground

Our culture trains us to compare ourselves to other people. We measure ourselves in relation to others. So when you compare two brands at the grocery store- do you look at what is the same or what is different? You look at what is different, right, so you can buy the better item.

So what do we do when we meet other people? Often, we compare the things that are different in each other. We differentiate ourselves from the other. Developmentally speaking, this is essential in post-adolescence in order to differentiate ourselves from our parents. But how many of us continue to differentiate ourselves from each other as adults. It may be out of habit or maybe we just never learned another way to relate. And, it is not nearly as useful as an adult- it causes us to focus on the things that are different.

Why not change our lens to focus on what we what have in common with people? We may be different- but focus on the common ground between us. Common experiences. Common phases in life. Common values- even if our beliefs are really different. Maybe we both value integrity, honesty, and treating people kindly- but have different religions, for instance.

Once we have common ground, we can learn from the differences in each other. We get value understanding how other people see things. It gives us the strength and wisdom of diversity.

To change the world, we are going to have to join with and trust people that are different. Hanging out with just people that seem to be like us will not be enough. We need to connect with people that are different and stand on common ground.

It is cool concept now- but in the not too distant future, we may need to find common ground with people in order to survive.

Judgement is projecting our fear onto others

Other people do the darndest things. Often what they do makes absolutely no sense to us. But it does to them. In fact, the world may look vastly different to them than it does to you. We tend to judge others when they do things differently than we do. Judgement always causes separation. When you break it down, when we judge someone- we are condemning them.

So why is someone else doing something differently so threatening to us, anyway? Is it that we created rules to manage our life (and our fears), and become frightened when someone breaks one of our rules? Afraid of what is going to happen. The outcome is unknown and we may not be able to control it (fear of the unknown). Plus, it might cause us to have have to reevaluate our rules- and that could be scary.

Besides, if we truly believed in our way of doing things, we would not take issue with someone doing something differently. But we figure if we can get someone else to believe it, maybe we can believe it ourselves.

But either way, working our judgment out via others is an intrusive and destructive way to address what is ultimately our issue. Judgement is taking our stuff and projecting it onto someone else. Not cool.

So next time you observe yourself judging someone, why not go directly to the source- you. Resist tearing someone down and see it as an opportunity to look at yourself. Why does their view, comment, or behavior bother you? What are you afraid of?

Then you can celebrate the way they do it- and learn from it. Different can be good. Diversity always makes us stronger.

After all, they are just folks trying to find a way through life. At least you have that in common.

Expose your child, grandchild, or nephew/niece to a variety of things

The more places and experiences young people can experience and feel comfortable in- the better. Why not have them experience: the opera, a dive bar, back-packing, an expensive restaurant, a hockey game, a country club, a middle-eastern restaurant, the subway, a rodeo, Nascar, a wine list, other countries, a Native American Pow-wow, golf, a construction site, a blue-grass festival, an art museum, skiing, and a Bar Mitzvah. And while your there, take the time to show them how those experiences work. Help them find something about that experience that they can enjoy and relate to.

Exposure to different things may be the greatest gift you can give a young person.

And… as they get older, why not expose them to variety of faiths and followers: Catholics, Buddhists, Methodists, Universal Unitarians, Hindus, Jews, Pagans, Atheists, Mormons, Baptists, and Muslims.

Do you trust them to make up their own mind and find what works for them?

That’s expensive you say… yes.  That takes a lot of time… uh huh. And some of that stuff, you have not experienced yourself and is way out of your comfort zone… I know.

Do you want their world to be large or small?

When they get invited to meet their boyfriend/girlfriend’s family at the country club, do you want them to feel poised and comfortable- or frightened and uneasy? Do they have the experience and skills to interact in that world. Do they know which fork to use?

Or do you want to keep them sheltered- so they are frightened as soon as they step outside of your social familiar? Do you want them to go wild when they leave home and have to use alcohol and substances to get beyond their fear and inhibition in order to explore the world. Or worse yet, do you want them to stay in their family’s little world?

Do you want them to find themselves- or do you want them to be like you?