You hurt my feelings

There are two sides of telling someone your feelings are hurt. On one hand, in order to walk open and honest, you need to express when your feelings get hurt. On the other hand, never lose perspective that your feelings being hurt is your issue. What that person did or said is filtered through your belief systems, perceptions, and past experiences. You are the one that had an issue with it.

The primary things that need to happen when your feelings get hurt is giving and getting information. You need to give them information of what they did or said, how you interpreted it, and how you felt. This will help them understand how you tend to translate things and communicate with you more compassionately. You need to get information about what they intended. In other words, find out what they meant by it.

Since it is critical for both of you to understand that your feelings being hurt is your issue, it is often beneficial to use I statements and take responsibility for what you’re feeling. You might say, “When you said, ‘Why did you do that?’ I took it that you were suggesting that I did it the wrong way. I felt hurt.”

So telling someone they hurt your feelings is actually not the most effective way to tell them they hurt your feelings. Hmm? Better to own how you interpreted it and how you felt.

The challenge is of course that when you are expressing your hurt feelings, it is challenging to own anything. Because after all, your feelings are hurt. It feels like they were mean to you… mistreated you… were insensitive… and whatever else. So there is a tendency to assume that they were.

So why not take a step back and ask them?… “When you said, I was ______, what did you mean by that?”

Happy Spring Equinox: Protect and support your new beginnings

The Spring Equinox occurred yesterday. It is officially Spring! One tradition of the Native American Medicine Wheel teaches that springtime (or the East) is the time of new beginnings- in nature and our lives. But the new aspects of ourselves have likely not taken form yet. They may exist solely at the conceptual level- in the form of pictures or ideas. It may not be clear as to how they are going to manifest in our lives yet.

The fact that it has not yet taken form makes this stage of personal growth highly vulnerable. The new beginning takes considerable faith and focus to be born. We must not allow ourselves to get distracted from it or talked out of it. I liken the new beginning to a tender seedling. It needs to be protected and nurtured until it gathers enough strength to stand on its own.

And likely not everyone is able to support our new beginning. It may reside outside of their comfort zone (let alone ours). They are used to us being a certain way that they can rely on. We may not fit into the box that they have us in anymore. When we start talking about developing new aspects of ourselves, they may wonder if they will still have a place in our world.

For these reasons, new beginnings require great compassion. We must have compassion for our new self- so it can come into being. We must have compassion for our friends and loved ones- because they may feel frightened and insecure.

You wouldn’t think twice about protecting a vulnerable child. Native Americans call them “undefendables.” Your new aspects of self require the same protection. Nothing is more precious or important.

Because… without your protection and support, the new you will never come to be.

Support them while they work it out

People find themselves in life situations they need to complete and understand. True compassion is allowing them (or yourself) to work out what they need to.

We allow children to learn the lessons they need. Well, adults are trying to learn lessons too. Why not extend that same courtesy to them? Let them work it out. It is likely not rational or intellectual. They need the experience- so they can understand it. This allows them to complete the lesson or accept the truth. Then they can move onto something else.

A classic example involves a middle-age guy buying a sports car. Or maybe he is hitting on younger women. What is our first response? We tend to judge it. We say he is pathetic or shallow. We fail to offer our friend the support he needs.

Why not celebrate your friend’s mid-life crisis with him? Go with him to pick out the sports car. Encourage him to ask out the younger woman. Let him work it out. With a little support, he will move through this challenging time.

Or… say a forty-something woman “gets some work done.” Or say she is suddenly wearing clothes that are too young for her or spending a lot of time to how she looks. Again, we tend to be quick to judge. Here she is grieving not being as youthfully attractive as she used to be. Trying to adjust to how men now treat her differently. How do you respond?

You could support her. Dress up in your hottest clothes and go out on the town with her. She will work it out. She knows what is going on. She just needs to work through it.

Are you strong enough to support her in her time of need?

Blessing the lesson

We just experienced a painful lesson. We realize we did some damage. We hurt someone’s feelings. We pushed someone away. We missed an awesome opportunity. We neglected someone or something that is precious to us. We cost ourselves or someone else a lot of money.