Expose your child, grandchild, or nephew/niece to a variety of things

The more places and experiences young people can experience and feel comfortable in- the better. Why not have them experience: the opera, a dive bar, back-packing, an expensive restaurant, a hockey game, a country club, a middle-eastern restaurant, the subway, a rodeo, Nascar, a wine list, other countries, a Native American Pow-wow, golf, a construction site, a blue-grass festival, an art museum, skiing, and a Bar Mitzvah. And while your there, take the time to show them how those experiences work. Help them find something about that experience that they can enjoy and relate to.

Exposure to different things may be the greatest gift you can give a young person.

And… as they get older, why not expose them to variety of faiths and followers: Catholics, Buddhists, Methodists, Universal Unitarians, Hindus, Jews, Pagans, Atheists, Mormons, Baptists, and Muslims.

Do you trust them to make up their own mind and find what works for them?

That’s expensive you say… yes.  That takes a lot of time… uh huh. And some of that stuff, you have not experienced yourself and is way out of your comfort zone… I know.

Do you want their world to be large or small?

When they get invited to meet their boyfriend/girlfriend’s family at the country club, do you want them to feel poised and comfortable- or frightened and uneasy? Do they have the experience and skills to interact in that world. Do they know which fork to use?

Or do you want to keep them sheltered- so they are frightened as soon as they step outside of your social familiar? Do you want them to go wild when they leave home and have to use alcohol and substances to get beyond their fear and inhibition in order to explore the world. Or worse yet, do you want them to stay in their family’s little world?

Do you want them to find themselves- or do you want them to be like you?

Letting go of control

Ever notice yourself trying to control something or someone? When we control things, we short-change ourselves; we force an experience to be what we are comfortable with. Or we control a person to be less threatening to us. Most times the experience could have been much more rich and beautiful if we would have had the courage to allow it unfold.

Why do we control things? It’s how we manage our fears. Control is always fear-based. We try to control the things that we are afraid of. It helps us maintain the illusion of feeling safe (see previous blog: The illusion of control).

The fact that control is fear-based suggests a way to let go of control. Like any behavioral pattern, changing it begins with being aware that you are trying to control something. You have see yourself doing it or about to do it. This gives you the power to change it.

Next time you observe yourself trying to control something or someone- simply ask yourself, “What am I afraid of.” I guarantee there is a fear lurking beneath your wanting to control the situation. You are likely trying to control the situation in a way that allows you to avoid the thing you are afraid will happen. (Fear is future-oriented.)

Once you identify the fear, you can address it directly. You can challenge the likelihood that this terrible thing is actually going to happen. This helps take the teeth out of your fear (like the Abominable Snowman). You can take a deep breath, believe in your survivability, and walk through your fear. A natural and easy way to do this is to simply cease controlling the situation you are in and allow it to unfold.

You may find something far more rich and beautiful than you ever could have contrived. It is exciting. It is not limited by your assumptions and preconceptions. And… you feel alive.

See (that person) outside the box

The first thing that people often do when meeting someone new is to put them in a box. We intellectually label and stereotype that person. We “pigeon-hole” them so we do not have to think about who they are anymore. Then we just interact with our preconception of them.

What energy does this experience require?

We typically respond to situations by what we say or do. But it is also essential to consider how we say it or do it. With what emotional or life energy do we offer our words or actions? Is it soft and compassionate? Is it strong and intense? Is it playful and humorous?

Breaking unwritten contracts in relationships

All relationships are contractual. Often these contracts are unwritten and unsaid- yet they control most of the experiences of the relationship. We are typically not consciously aware of what we have agreed to with this person. During this winter time of introspection, we may become aware that a relationship that is not working for us. We seek to change the relationship.