Betrayal and unspoken contracts

All relationships are contractual. Many of these contracts (or mutual agreements) are unspoken and assumed. Whether we are aware of it or discussed it, we created contracts with the people that we have relationships with. Betrayal happens when when one or the people in the relationship believes a contract was broken.

Some of our deepest betrayals happen in childhood- often with our parents. This is largely because there are vitally important unspoken contracts between the parent and child. They include: the parent will keep the child safe–physically and emotionally, the parent will love the child unconditionally, and the parent will be involved in the child’s life. When these contracts are broken by the parent, the child feels betrayed.

These childhood betrayals often form primary emotional charges or core issues. They also create limiting self-beliefs in the child such as: I am unlovable, I am deficient, I am unworthy, I am inadequate, etc. The child inevitably carries these primary charges and limiting self-beliefs into adulthood.

So when we feel betrayed as an adult, it is often inordinately painful due to it re-stimulating one of those childhood betrayals. An example includes allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and then being judged by someone that we have written an unconditional love contract with. This may trigger a primary betrayal of our parent(s) not being able to accept us as we were when we were a child.

The good news is that when we get betrayed and stumble upon one of these primary charges, it gives us the opportunity to heal it. This involves deep emotional work including accepting necessary loss, realizing the parents betraying us was not about us, and unplugging the consequent self-beliefs.

However, this daunting and painful process is exponentially worth it– as freeing ourselves from the reoccurring pain of betrayal and limiting self-belief is priceless.

Got guilt? Learn something.

We get hung up on reconciliation. When we feel guilty- we want to make it right. This is one of those great ideas that just does not work. Once you make a mistake that hurts someone (or yourself), you really can’t undo its effect.

So say you betray a friend’s trust. Your first response is to make things right. You have to do something that makes this right. You are so sorry. You are super nice to them. You send flowers. They may even forgive you. But you cannot undo the effect of what you did. Your relationship has changed. No matter what you do, it is going to take some time before that person trusts you again in that way- if they give you that chance.

It’s not that they are holding a grudge. It takes their heart some time to heal. Then they have to decide if they are going to risk going to that space with you again.

So you feel guilty. You beat yourself up. How could you mess up such a cool thing? What were you thinking? Maybe paying some penance will help the situation? Not really.

Guilt is an issue we have with ourselves. We feel that we acted outside our integrity- and it hurt someone we care about. Learning from it allows us to get value from an otherwise negative experience. How did I let that happen? It makes our mistake count for something. Promising ourselves to not do it again allows us to hold ourselves accountable in way that we can forward. Perhaps we can even forgive ourselves (and let ourselves heal).

Because… although it may not be with the same person or situation, life will definitely give you another chance at this lesson. Will you be ready?

Keep the lines of communication open with your child

The most important thing to do as a parent is to keep the lines of communication open with your child.

When lines of communication are broken, it is usually due to the parent not wanting to know what is going on with the child. If they knew, the parent would have to think and reevaluate. It is easier to stay ignorant.

Dysfunctional families demand loyalty from their children. This is why some parents do not want to know what is going on in their child’s world; they are too busy making sure that the child is loyal to their world. When the child goes to school, they see that the rest of the world is not like their parents’ world. This creates a conflict as the child has to be one way with their family and another way with their friends.

But the child cannot continue this dual life for very long and ultimately has to choose a world to identify with. Since the parent has not kept the lines of communication open, the child’s needs are not being met by the family. Therefore, they usually choose their friends’ world. The child then feels like he or she has betrayed the family.

Healthy families are flexible. The parent(s) keep the lines of communication open. The family evolves as the personalities of the children develop. The parent(s) have to continually reevaluate what is best for everyone in the family. This requires courage and adaptability. What the family is about stays the same, but the form it takes is ever changing.

So parents ultimately have to decide. Do you demand your child to reside in your world? Or, are you willing to explore and embrace your child’s world?

Forgive yourself for not giving yourself what is important to you

“Did they get you to trade

Roger Waters, Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here (listen to song on YouTube)

It was us that made the choices to walk way from the things we wanted most. Nobody took them from us. It just felt like that. We allowed it. We sold ourselves short. We gave up the things mattered most. We let ourselves down. We betrayed ourselves.

Our issue is with ourselves. We just keep projecting it on to everyone around us. It is too painful to admit that we did it to ourselves.

It is time we healed this. We need to make amends to ourselves. We must forgive ourselves for not giving ourselves the things we wanted most. Making amends has two parts: 1. Forgiving ourselves; 2. Promising ourselves that it will never happen again. Dealing with this prevents us from pushing it away.

Because… if we took it from ourselves- then we can still provide to ourselves. It is within our control. Everything you always wanted is still available to you. All of your dreams. They just may present themselves a little differently. The characters and set may be different, but the plot is the same. I promise you it is still there for you- if you just allow it. You have to believe in possibility.

All we have to do is accept that it was us that let our dream slip away, and forgive ourselves. Then we can stop pushing it away and start seeing possibilities.

Could get pretty scary and sad- but the stakes are high. And what have you got to lose? A lead role in a cage?

Anger is always self-directed

Whenever we are angry, we are ultimately mad at ourselves. It could be for putting ourselves in a situation. For allowing someone to treat us poorly. For investing in someone that does not care about him or herself. For getting talked out of listening to ourselves. For doing things when we know better. For drawing ourselves back into an old behavioral pattern with someone or something.