Is it half-full or half-empty? Do you focus on the people that like you, or the people that don’t like you? Do you focus on the 10 positive things in your employee review, or the 1 negative? Do you focus on the things you have, or the things you don’t have? Many of us focus on the negative. We have a “propensity of the negative.”
Why? The negative resonates with our negative self-belief system- that thing that tells us that there is something wrong with us- that we are deficient in some way. Then we project that negative view onto people and situations.
And… negative choices are reinforced more naturally than positive ones. When we make a poor decision, we are painfully made aware of its consequences. I speed; I get a ticket. One-hundred some bucks and my insurance goes up. How could I be so stupid?
But… positive choices are more subtle and nebulous. We often never realize the grief that a simple positive decision spares us. We decide to stop driving for the night because we are tired. We never get the information that if we would have continued, we would have been in a accident that would have killed a family member. The negative gets reinforced; the positive does not.
There have been numerous studies that appreciating what you have is a major indicator for happiness. Positive thoughts allow you to see possibilities and create the life that you want. (The Secret and Law of Attraction speak to this.) Recognizing the positive in others makes a huge difference in their lives and even creates hope for them (because most of the other people they know are pointing out the negative in them). Yet we continue to focus on the negative. How come?
It is a habit. Nothing more, nothing less. You can change a habit if you choose to. They say you can rewire your brain in about 30 days. There are numerous therapists, coaches, books, and programs that can help you change it. Or do it yourself- pay attention to and become aware of how you view things and make a different choice.
So which do you choose: half-full or half-empty? This is quite possibly the most important choice you make- over and over and over…
Our personality has a lot to do with how we respond to things. It is often based on our behavioral patterns, belief systems, and identity- the things we think that we are.
Wouldn’t it be cool if we could go beyond these illusory and reactionary things and find our true personality? Then our personality would be an expression of our heart and who we really are.
Our personality would then be about how our soul is expressing itself at any given moment. Our personality would likely be more fluid and dynamic. It would be a pure expression of how I honestly see things at any given moment. What we stand for would remain consistent- so people can count on us and trust us.
So then our personality would be a choice. If I am tired of being cynical or intellectual, I could change it. If I am tired of always being nice and not rocking the boat, I could change that too. These things are likely not who we really are anyway.
So what do you choose your personality to be? Does it serve you? Maybe it is time for a personality make-over.
We only allow ourselves to see the things that we believe are possible for ourselves. Otherwise, what we want could be right in front of us and we would not see it. Even if we saw it, we would discount it or push it away if we did not believe it is available to us.
Most people do not allow themselves to have what they want- because they do not believe that it is possible.
We have to somehow believe that what we want is possible. Once we believe what we want is possible, we will see it and allow ourselves to have it.
But the belief in possibility is the tough part.
It has to start with allowing yourself to have something you do believe is possible that is a step in the in the direction of what you want. Once you allow yourself to have that, you stretch your belief system to allow yourself another piece. You build confidence in yourself. Over time you come to believe that the thing you really want is possible. You prove it to yourself.
I was out on a date about a year ago and she said, “What I really want is to be a psychologist, but I could never do that.” In retrospect I wish I would have said, “Well, what about being a psychologist can you see yourself doing?” Then she would have a place to start.
So what do you really want? What is something about it that you believe is possible? That is the perfect place to start.
One of the most common and self-destructive self-beliefs is, “I am unlovable.” We come by it honestly. When we were a child, if our own mother or father cannot love and accept us the way we are- we assume we are unlovable. Children, after all, are developmentally narcissistic; they make everything about them.
But the reality is, it had nothing to do with us. It had everything to do with the people that were not able to love us.
Anyway, if we carry this belief into adulthood (and most of us do), we keep recreating scenarios to reenforce that we are unlovable. We create self-fulfilling prophesies. We unconsciously love people that are unable to love us back. We push away people that are able to love us (
see previous blog). We feel lonely on Valentine’s Day.
Maybe it is time to scrap the “unlovable” belief system. If we become consciously aware of our patterns of loving people that are unavailable and/or pushing people that do love us away, we can make different choices.
By allowing people to love us, we disprove and eradicate the unlovable self-belief.
So this Valentine’s Day, I invite you to look for signs that you are loved- rather than signs that you are not. I am willing to bet there are people all around you trying to love you. Can you see them?
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Changing takes energy. We have to work through our resistance. We have to venture out of our comfort zone. We make mistakes, because we really have not learned how this new thing works yet. We have setbacks- even when we do everything right. It is easy to get discouraged. Self-doubt sets in, “Who was I kidding thinking that I could do this.”
One essential element of creating something new is building momentum. Making change requires that we keep our energy moving forward. We are building confidence. We are changing our beliefs about ourselves and the world. One of the most challenging things is to believe in possibility- to believe that what we want is attainable.
The best way to build momentum is by creating and acknowledging success. (This is also the best way to build self-esteem). In a sense, we are proving to ourselves that we are another step closer to our goal. We are proving that we can do it. We are acknowledging that it is happening. We are stating to believe in possibility.
Energy builds on itself. It moves with momentum. Once we have momentum moving forward, things start opening up for us. Creating the things that we want starts to get easier. Our motivation builds. Set backs are not as devastating- we just shift our momentum in a slightly different direction. Do not let your momentum dwindle and dissipate. Keep it building. Keep it moving forward.
The toughest part is getting started. It takes some energy to to overcome our inertia and to get the ball moving. Every day ask yourself, “What is one thing that I can do today to get closer to my goal.” At the end of your day acknowledge your progress. The snowball is starting to build. It is stating to move forward. Lookout world, my new life is coming through.
Is it half-full or half-empty? Do you focus on the people that like you, or the people that don’t like you? Do you focus on the 10 positive things in your employee review, or the 1 negative? Do you focus on the things you have, or the things you don’t have? Many of us focus on the negative. We have a “propensity of the negative.”
We only allow ourselves to see the things that we believe are possible for ourselves. Otherwise, what we want could be right in front of us and we would not see it. Even if we saw it, we would discount it or push it away if we did not believe it is available to us.
One of the most common and self-destructive self-beliefs is, “I am unlovable.” We come by it honestly. When we were a child, if our own mother or father cannot love and accept us the way we are- we assume we are unlovable. Children, after all, are developmentally narcissistic; they make everything about them.
Changing takes energy. We have to work through our resistance. We have to venture out of our comfort zone. We make mistakes, because we really have not learned how this new thing works yet. We have setbacks- even when we do everything right. It is easy to get discouraged. Self-doubt sets in, “Who was I kidding thinking that I could do this.”
