You hurt my feelings

There are two sides of telling someone your feelings are hurt. On one hand, in order to walk open and honest, you need to express when your feelings get hurt. On the other hand, never lose perspective that your feelings being hurt is your issue. What that person did or said is filtered through your belief systems, perceptions, and past experiences. You are the one that had an issue with it.

The primary things that need to happen when your feelings get hurt is giving and getting information. You need to give them information of what they did or said, how you interpreted it, and how you felt. This will help them understand how you tend to translate things and communicate with you more compassionately. You need to get information about what they intended. In other words, find out what they meant by it.

Since it is critical for both of you to understand that your feelings being hurt is your issue, it is often beneficial to use I statements and take responsibility for what you’re feeling. You might say, “When you said, ‘Why did you do that?’ I took it that you were suggesting that I did it the wrong way. I felt hurt.”

So telling someone they hurt your feelings is actually not the most effective way to tell them they hurt your feelings. Hmm? Better to own how you interpreted it and how you felt.

The challenge is of course that when you are expressing your hurt feelings, it is challenging to own anything. Because after all, your feelings are hurt. It feels like they were mean to you… mistreated you… were insensitive… and whatever else. So there is a tendency to assume that they were.

So why not take a step back and ask them?… “When you said, I was ______, what did you mean by that?”

What’s going on in your world?

This was one of the favorite questions my mentor, Bart Anderson, would ask people. The first thing it helped me realize is that another person’s world or reality may be vastly different than my own. Although geologically we live in the same world, our beliefs about it, and therefore experience of it, may be totally different.

Part of Bart’s magic when he interacted with people was that he really wanted to know what it is was like in your world. He was fascinated by  your current experience of life. He would inquisitively ask questions to understand your world. Then if you would let him, he would come into your world and experience it with you. This was a little scary at first for people, but if they chose to let him in- they did not feel so alone anymore.

Why do I share this? I offer it as a way to interact with people. These days, it is what people need most. Their world is likely isolated. If you want to connect with someone (and they are open to it), there is no better way than to explore their world. I recommend asking questions like: “What are you excited about?” or “What was that like for you?” You will start realizing that even an experience that you shared with them may have been totally different for them. Most people find it fun to compare notes.

So next time you see someone that fascinates you, allow yourself to wonder what it is like for them. And then have the courage to inquire what it is like in their world. They may be taken back a bit. But if they sense you are sincerely interested, they just may tell you.

Be prepared to explore strange new worlds.

The wall of fear

You’re talking to someone and having a good time. You’re laughing and enjoying each others’ company. Then you mention something and everything shifts. They start getting defensive. They start putting obstacles between the two of you. They become much more distant and unavailable all of a sudden. The energy of your interaction totally shifts. What just happened, you say to yourself? You just ran into the wall of fear.

You can invite them to cross over the wall, but they must be willing. Most of the time all you can do is smile and walk away. It always feels a little sad. And it usually catches you a little off-guard- you go from close to distant really quickly.

But just understanding what that the wall of fear is- makes it easier to deal with. The first thing to realize is it has nothing to do with you. It may have to do with what you represent to them. It may even have to do with getting too close to them. But these things are not about you. They are reacting to images of you. It is essential to not personalize it.

And you may have a wall of fear too. Next time you want to withdraw and run from something, remember how it felt to be on the other side of the wall. Instead of withdrawing, you can ask, “What is it that I am so afraid of? What is the worst thing that can happen here?”

Then take a deep breath and walk through your wall of fear. As soon as you challenge it, your reality and belief systems will change.

You, after all, just survived your wall of fear. And come to find there is life on the other side of it.

See what is available to you

Our self-beliefs dictate what we see as available to us. Many people have difficulty accessing the things they want in their life. Usually, this is a problem of not seeing the things available to them. It is rarely about the resources not being around them.

A friend and I were at a party. I noticed this beautiful woman checking out my friend. I said, “Hey that woman over there likes you.” He checked her out, but did nothing. A while later, I saw the same woman showing unmistakable interest in my friend. I asked, “Are you going to go over there and talk to her?” He said, “Oh no, women like that never like me.” I said clearly this is not the case. But his mind was made up and he never approached the woman. Later that night he complained about how he never gets a chance to meet women.

This is a dramatic example, but we do this to ourselves all the time. Our belief systems are stories we tell ourselves about who we are in relation to the things around us. My friend’s belief systems told him who he was in relation to the beautiful woman. Belief systems are limiting when they take away our ability to see possibility. We all have resources all around that we are not allowing ourselves to see. Even when we do see them, we immediately tell ourselves that they are not for us.

These limiting self-beliefs need to be challenged in order to access the things that we want. You have to believe that the things you want are around you and and available to you. You just have to see them. You have to look beyond your preconceptions and objectively look at everything around you. You have to see things as they are.

Cool things are presenting themselves to you all the time. And they are for you.

Accepting necessary loss

Many of us did not get the love we needed from our parents when we were 6, 8, or 10 years old. We likely translated that that as there is something wrong with us- that we were deficient is some way. We say, “My own father was not able to love and accept me to be the way that I am.”

We often try to resolve this by finding someone that was like that person, and try to get them to love us. This is the classic dating someone that is like a parent or ex and getting them to love us. We figure this will give us reconciliation. It proves we are lovable, right?!

It is a great idea that simply does not work. I might even find someone exactly like my mother, father, or ex and get them to love me. They could love and accept me with all their heart. But it will never feel like it did when I was 6,8, or 10. Or 23 for that matter. I am different now. The person that I was is no longer around. It does not feel the same. I do not have the same perspective or point of reference.

So how do you resolve it? You accept necessary loss. You accept the fact that you did not get the love you needed from your parent when you were 6, 8, and 10. You feel it. Then we realize that it was not about you. There was nothing about you that made that person not love you. They were not simply not able to love you at the time.

And that is very sad. But, it does not mean that you are unlovable.

Once we accept necessary loss, we can cease interacting with emotionally unavailable that are like our parent or ex and start interacting with people who are able to love us.