One of my all-time favorite metaphors is that of the rose. It has beauty and delicateness, but also thorns. My interpretation is that with beauty comes pain. With the love and the unfoldment of beauty with another human comes inevitable pain. They are a package deal. We can’t care that deeply with another and expect to not get hurt.
Most of us have been hurt or betrayed by loving someone. We seek the love and beauty that comes from exposing our hearts and becoming vulnerable, yet we are reluctant to do so because we got hurt bad when we did this before. We are afraid that we might not survive being hurt like that again. If we allow (or have allowed) ourselves to feel and heal the pain of being hurt before, it should help us believe that we could heal it again. We learn to “believe in our survivability.” Then, it is just an issue of willingness to risk.
We tell ourselves a story that we can experience the beauty of love without really letting go. We figure we can have the beauty and unfoldment of the rose without the pain. We allow ourselves to experience some safe, guarded, and superficial love and tell ourselves it is the real deal. But then why are we still so lonely? Deep down we know that it is not the same.
The metaphor of the rose is here to remind us that if we want the true beauty and fulfillment of love, we have to accept that pain comes with it. Are we willing to risk being hurt again?
All things affect. We choose what experiences to expose ourselves to. We often make these decisions intellectually. They seem fine on paper. But we often fail to consider how that experience will affect us and others emotionally.
For example, being single and hanging out with someone that you would like to be with and their significant other. On paper, what’ s the big deal? You are hanging out with friends. Emotionally, every time he touches her and picks her over you it breaks your heart a little. Why would you do that to yourself?
Or, talking with your ex on the phone in front of your boyfriend or husband. Intellectually, no problem; we are all adults here. After all he said he did not have a problem with it. And besides it’s Christmas. At the emotional level, he hears you laugh and sees you smile- and then worries that you still like your ex more and are not fully over him. He trusts you a little less. Meanwhile, your ex starts thinking there is still hope of getting back together. I hope that little “harmless call” was worth it.
The fact is we often underestimate the emotional impact that experiences will have. At the emotional level, we may not be as cool and secure as we think we are. We set ourselves and the people that we care about up for a lot of unnecessary grief. It affects our ability to trust ourselves and each other.
So, upon considering an experience, try getting out of your head and asking yourself, “How will it will affect you and the others involved emotionally?” Use this “emotional consideration” as a factor in making your decisions. Remember… emotions often do not make sense intellectually, but they are more directly correlated to our happiness than anything else.
One of the challenges of seeing relationships as a “we” and seeing the possibilities of where that relationship could go is that you sometimes bump into disappointment and loss. It can be painful. Perhaps that is why so many avoid it.
Someone will say or do something that makes it evident that the relationship meant something different to them than it did you. When this happens you are actually feeling the loss of what you hoped the relationship would be. I call this “necessary loss.” It feels like they are breaking your heart. This is because at some level your heart is breaking (and opening).
Now when I feel angry with someone or get my feelings hurt, I ask myself, “How is this different than how I hoped it would be?” This allows me to clearly see what the loss and sadness is- so I can let myself feel it and heal. By doing this, I no longer need to tantrum against the way they are or try to change them. After grieving the loss, I simply change the parameters of the relationship to make them more in sync with the reality of the situation, and go on my way.
So why on earth would I open myself up to this? Because it is a small price to pay for the love and beauty that can be shared with another.
Next time you are mad at someone, send them a prayer. It doesn’t have to be Christian. It doesn’t even have to be a prayer. Send them a blessing, some love, or positive thoughts. The Secret http://www.thesecret.tv talks about the power of our thoughts. Point is- they probably could use all the help they can get. They are probably experiencing pain, stress, and difficulty. Them pushing you away, being short with you, judging you, or being irresponsible likely has nothing to do with you. They are probably projecting their misery onto you.
So next time you want to throttle them, send them a prayer. Send them some love- or better yet love them. Not only will it help them, but it will free you. Free yourself of the resentment that you carry (that hurts you more than it hurts them). Free both of you from your attachment of them being something that you need them to be.
Free yourself to experience some other things.
Human beings have emotional needs. Our biggest emotional needs include: belonging, expression/being heard, and love/caring. Emotional health requires taking responsibility for our emotional needs and finding a way to meet them when they present themselves. For example, if I feel sad or hurt about something, it is my responsibility (to myself) to find someone that can listen to and accept that feeling and share with them (expression). If I feel lonely and isolated, it is my responsibility to find something to be a part of this weekend (belonging).
All emotional needs eventually get met- one way or another. Not meeting our emotional needs eventually results in these feelings coming out “sideways”- often when we least expect it. Examples include: angry outbursts, affairs, addictions, and depression.
So… which do we choose: meeting our emotional needs willingly or on our hands and knees?
One of my all-time favorite metaphors is that of the rose. It has beauty and delicateness, but also thorns. My interpretation is that with beauty comes pain. With the love and the unfoldment of beauty with another human comes inevitable pain. They are a package deal. We can’t care that deeply with another and expect to not get hurt.
All things affect. We choose what experiences to expose ourselves to. We often make these decisions intellectually. They seem fine on paper. But we often fail to consider how that experience will affect us and others emotionally.
One of the challenges of seeing relationships as a “we” and seeing the possibilities of where that relationship could go is that you sometimes bump into disappointment and loss. It can be painful. Perhaps that is why so many avoid it.
Next time you are mad at someone, send them a prayer. It doesn’t have to be Christian. It doesn’t even have to be a prayer. Send them a blessing, some love, or positive thoughts. The Secret http://www.thesecret.tv talks about the power of our thoughts. Point is- they probably could use all the help they can get. They are probably experiencing pain, stress, and difficulty. Them pushing you away, being short with you, judging you, or being irresponsible likely has nothing to do with you. They are probably projecting their misery onto you.
