We are determined to change people. We want people to be who we think they should be. We want people to be who we need them to be. It doesn’t seem to matter to us if it is something that they want to be. It doesn’t even seem to matter if it is something they are able to be. Yet when they turn out to not be who we needed them to be, we feel hurt and betrayed. We are disappointed over and over again.
What if we trusted people to be who they are? We if we discovered who they are? If we went beyond our preconceptions and who we needed them to be, and honestly looked at who they are? Then, we did not count on them changing. Rather we asked ourselves is this someone (the way they are) that I want to interact with. Then is this person (the way they are) someone I can count on? Is this someone (the way they are) that I want to spend time with my kids. They either are, or they’re not.
We might even want to test them. We might share something personal about ourselves and watch what they do with it- in order to find out who they are.
Then, we trust them to be that way. We base our decisions on it.
There is so much freedom in trusting people to be who they are. We avoid so much pain, anger, and heartbreak. We don’t have to control anyone anymore. We might have to work a little harder and wait a little longer to find someone who naturally is the way we want someone to be. We also might need to check to see if the way we want someone to be is even possible. But the freedom is well worth it.
This Grateful Dead song, Foolish Heart, written by Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia came into my head years after I had last heard it to help me understand a vital lesson.
In 2003, I had been sharing tender, vulnerable things about to myself to critical people. Bart Anderson, the spiritual teacher that I was working with shocked me one day. He said, “They don’t deserve your heart.” This seemed to go against everything that I had learned from him. He continued (and I paraphrase), “Well, look at it. You and the people you are sharing with are coming from two totally different places. You are opening your heart and being vulnerable, and they are criticizing you and using it against you. Why would you do that?” I didn’t have a good answer. But I did stop doing it. He called it “discernment.”
Years later I recognized a similar pattern sharing vulnerable things with careless people. And, investing lots of energy in them. It was not working out well. I was getting hurt. This is when I remembered the Foolish Heart song. I stopped doing that, too.
I still allow myself to be vulnerable, but I am much more selective with whom I share sensitive things with these days. But every now and then, I forget and pay the price. That’s about when I hear Jerry Garcia’s voice in my head singing, “…Unto a foolish heart.”
Most of our relationships have become casual. We allow them evolve without thinking about how we want them to be. We do not take the time to maintain them or keep them on track. What if… we invested some time to define our relationships by thinking about and deciding what we want them to be. We could ask ourselves: What am I looking for in this relationship? Then, we could set “parameters” (like limits) to keep that definition intact. Whenever one of us starts to deviate from that definition, we care enough to set a parameter and say or give them a signal that says: That is not what this relationship is about for me; I want it to be more like this.
Effective parameters can be subtle, but they are always clear. For example, when a coworker flirts with you, think about whether you want flirting to be part of that relationship (definition). Then, give them clear signals (parameters) telling them whether or not you want flirting to be part of that relationship. Or… when a friend is not spending as much time with you as you would like (definition), let them know that you miss them and would like to see them sometime soon (parameter). If they are not available on an ongoing basis, you can redefine that relationship to more of an “acquaintance”, and seek a new friend to meet your friendship needs.
By setting parameters, both people than know where they stand with each other. This leads to trusting the relationship and trusting each other. It allows us to get what we want most from the relationship. Defining our relationships and setting parameters to maintain them lays a foundation for them to go deeper and to be more fulfilling.
Defining relationships and setting parameters requires a lot of work. Definition requires thought and difficult decisions. Setting parameters requires courage and strength to address awkward and difficult situations. And… we have to pay attention. But sooner or later, we have to ask ourselves, “Just how important are our relationships to us?”
When I moved to my current residence, I made a phone call to receive garbage service. The nice person gave me all the information about the various services that they offered. I had just missed the service this week and there had been miscommunication about pick-up the week before. It was 100 degrees outside and I had two weeks of garbage that was going be three. So I explained my situation and asked if their was something that she could do. She went to great lengths to organize a special pick up at no extra cost. Apparently, the guys on the truck did not think I was so special, and they did not pick it up- despite her telling them to. It sat out in the sun all day and when got home I found lots of nasty garbage spread all over the driveway by the neighbor’s dog.
It was my first day of my new job and when I saw the garbage I was furious. I angrily went to call and confront the lady that I had talked to. But then something inside of me said, “stop.” And I thought, this lady went the extra mile for me and truly tried to solve my problem. Her intent was to help me. It seemed that she did not deserve a bunch of my anger and frustration because life happened. So I took a deep breath, got her on the phone, and thanked her for working so hard to solve my problem. The trash got taken away on the normal day which is likely what I should have done to start with.
Later I got to thinking, from now on I am going to respond to people based on their intent- rather than the outcome of what ends up happening. If someone tries their best to help me, that counts for a lot with me. So that is my new policy. What’s yours?
People often do not say what they mean. They may not even be aware of what they mean. Listening to their words may not be the best way to understand what they are trying to say to you.
I call the skill to address this issue “hearing intent.” It requires listening beyond people’s words. It inevitably involves intuition and relying on our instincts. This requires trusting our gut. Some ways to hear intent include asking ourselves the following questions: “Who is this person? What are they trying to say to me? Why are they saying that to me?”
Our response can then address what they were intending to say to us. True communication will happen. Time will be saved. They may seem a little bewildered at first. But they will ultimately appreciate it.
Like any skill this requires practice. Try it on for size when you are feeling bold.
We are determined to change people. We want people to be who we think they should be. We want people to be who we need them to be. It doesn’t seem to matter to us if it is something that they want to be. It doesn’t even seem to matter if it is something they are able to be. Yet when they turn out to not be who we needed them to be, we feel hurt and betrayed. We are disappointed over and over again.
This Grateful Dead song, Foolish Heart, written by Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia came into my head years after I had last heard it to help me understand a vital lesson.
Most of our relationships have become casual. We allow them evolve without thinking about how we want them to be. We do not take the time to maintain them or keep them on track. What if… we invested some time to define our relationships by thinking about and deciding what we want them to be. We could ask ourselves: What am I looking for in this relationship? Then, we could set “parameters” (like limits) to keep that definition intact. Whenever one of us starts to deviate from that definition, we care enough to set a parameter and say or give them a signal that says: That is not what this relationship is about for me; I want it to be more like this.
