Are you inclusive?

Do you allow people in? Do you invite others to be part of what you are doing? Are you open?

Inclusivity is a state of mind. It is born of wanting to share what you are a part of with others. It starts with being willing to allow energy in- with having enough courage to open your heart and allow things in. You have to believe in your survivability. You have to believe that you can manage what you open yourself up to. Then you have no need for defensiveness or exclusivity.

This allows you to be vulnerable and inclusive. You know there is a slight risk, but the connection and the joy of uplifting others is worth it.

Inclusivity is not naive or opening yourself up for the slaughter. You have to be strong and pay attention. You have to use discernment when inviting people. You have to be able to see their intent. You have to determine if they are willing to connect and share. If not, they have no business being there. So being inclusive is being open to people who are willing to be a part of. Some folks are not willing to do this. Best to let them pass by.

Once you allow people in, it is essential to set parameters for the interaction. People are welcome to be part of as long as they stay within the parameters. The parameters keep it safe for everyone involved. Those who are not willing to abide by the parameters are asked to leave. But that was ultimately their choice; they were invited.

Inviting someone to be part of something is the most beautiful gift you could ever offer someone. Are you inclusive?

The courage to marshal one’s armies against oneself

How serious are you about how you affect others? One of the most powerful self-disciplines is to check your intent before you speak or act. Is what you are about to say or do going to create connection or separation? Will it uplift or tear down? Will it create or destroy?

Anger always wants an outcome. It wants vindication. It wants to lash out. It wants to get even. It wants to hurt. Acting in anger usually tears down and destroys. It is reactionary. Better to find our center before we act.

Life is frustrating. People say and do thoughtless things. Not a day goes by that we are not seduced by anger, judgment, sarcasm, and pride. Are we strong enough to pass on these things? Are we willing to check our intent before we act?

Sometimes what we do not say or do can make all the difference. Our ego wants vindication. It wants to be right. It wants to be clever. It wants to elevate itself above others. But some of our thoughts are just better kept to ourselves. Does acting on them really solve anything? Or does it just gratify our ego?

The I Ching or Book of Changes (Wilhelm/Baynes edition, 15th hexagram, six at the top- link), calls for such self-discipline: “Genuine modesty sets one to creating order and inspires one to begin by disciplining one’s own ego and one’s immediate circle. Only through having the courage to marshal one’s armies against oneself, will something really forceful be achieved.”

Next time you are about to be clever, be right, argue a point, or act in anger- ask yourself, “Can any good come out of this?” If not- why say it? Swallowing your pride is hard, but it sure beats the alternative of destruction and separation.

Organized to death

There seems to be a point in organizations when the survival of the organization becomes more important than what the organization is about.

Then the administration starts talking and caring about, well, administrative things. They make the grave error of thinking that its members care about this stuff. They lose sight of what the members, clients, or customers really need. So members go to an event to experience what the organization is about, and they are subjected to hearing about stuff that is only interesting to the administration that created it. The members feel like they wasted their (precious) time and don’t bother to go anymore.

Another casualty of being organized to death.

But it doesn’t have to be this way… because there is YOU. If you are part of the administration, make sure that your team does not lose sight of what your organization is about. Make sure you continue touching lives and providing what your members need.

If you are a member, care enough to mention to the administration that, “I really don’t care about that stuff you were talking about. I took (precious) time out of my (rediculously) busy life to connect with and be part of something. I would like to experience some of that please.”

And while we are at it, let’s have more “doings” and less meetings. Rather than meet about how to paint the town. Let’s actually paint the town. Us members are actually pretty smart- and painting is not rocket science. We can figure out how to do it. And, we probably do not want someone to tell us how to do it. We get that all week long at work from our bosses.

Dear Organization, Please make it worth my while when I show up to your event or meeting. Please think about why I might have come and what it might be like for me at your gathering. Please give me a reason to come back again.

Watch out for encroachment fouls

Time is precious. Personal time is even more so. Successful people consider time to be the most precious and limited resource there is. Do you protect it? Or do you allow others to encroach upon it?

Well I don’t know about you, but people have been encroaching upon my free time. I have been watching some football and hearing lineman called for encroachment penalties. So the other day I called one of my clients on an encroachment penalty. I got a call at 10:00 Saturday night for something that was not an emergency.

Then I started noticing encroachment fouls all over the place. Some people at work calling me on the weekend or evening- for something that could have waited. Clients returning my call on Sunday afternoon. And me answering the phone. The Unitarian Universalist church I go to wanting me to do more and more stuff. And me feeling obligated somehow. The hour service going an hour and 15 minutes- for no good reason. And me sitting there.

The next thing I know my “day off” is over and I didn’t get do any of the things I wanted or even needed to do. They encroached, I allowed it.

So I figure it is time to start seeing and calling encroachment fouls. Anyone want to join me? That will be 5 yards for encroachment.

This requires setting parameters. Parameters provide definition for relationships. My friend calls them “rules of engagement.” Setting parameters requires defining what you want the relationship to be and then caring enough about the relationship (and yourself) to set them- as they happen. They are most effective when addressed in the present.

So next time there is an encroachment. Throw the penalty flag. It says, “That is not part of what I want our relationship to be.” Then remind them what your relationship is regarding that.

Yeah it is hard. People will think you are intense. Some will get their feelings hurt. But whose life is it anyway? If you don’t take charge of it- someone else will.

Boundaries versus parameters

Personal “boundaries” have been a useful concept in relationship psychology for some time. They create a barrier to keep unwanted people out of your personal space. (See upper diagram: the circle represents the boundary that keeps other people away from the person or “P”.)

Parameters define the relationship or the interaction. They create “ground rules” or “rules of engagement” for the relationship or interaction. They say when we interact you can go here, but you cannot go there. (See lower diagram: the area inside the curved lines represents within the parameters of the interaction. The two people or “P’s” have an unobstructed, open space to interact. The area outside the curves lines is outside of the parameters of the interaction and the person that you are relating to is not permitted to go there.)

Boundaries are defensive- they create a wall that removes the threat and keeps us safe. Parameters are engaging- they create an arena for us to interact in.

Boundaries are negative and exclusive- they say how cannot relate to me. This typically shuts down interaction. Parameters are positive and inclusive- they say how you can relate to me. This typically encourages interaction.

Boundaries are rigid and “all or nothing”- you are either in or out. Parameters are flexible and adjustable. They can be made narrower or wider- but there is always some area that we can connect.

Boundaries are “I” centered- they say whether or not you can relate to me.  Parameters are “We” centered- they say how we can relate to each other.

Boundaries define individuals. Parameters define relationships.

To understand how to create parameters, see previous blog on parameters.

Boundaries separate. Parameters connect. Which do you prefer?