Archive | Clear Relationships

Who is that person that I am supposed to be close to?

Nov 6th, 2009No Comments

We often share the least about ourselves and what we feel with the people that we are closest to. We are less honest with them. The risk is too high. If we are married to them, have children with them, or work with them, it is a high level of investment and entanglement. Risking the relationship by sharing what we honestly feel threatens to turn our lives upside down. So we often keep our threatening feelings to ourselves or share them someone that we have less investment with.

After a while we do not know the people that we are supposedly the closest to. With not sharing what we feel, we miss out in experiencing who they are. They in turn, do not get to know who we are. We tell ourselves that we know them. How could we not, we live with them. But when is the last time you shared something that you are really excited about or scared about? When is the last time that you let them know that they hurt your feelings?
Of course, not risking is not safe. Being honest actually increases the likelihood that you will stay together. But it sure doesn’t feel that way.
So this weekend, take a risk. Trust that your relationship is strong enough to endure some honesty. I recommend starting small to give you both some time to adjust. Then.. invite them to share something that has been on their mind. You might find out that you live with a really beautiful human being. A lot of the beauty and richness, after all, is in the messy, risky stuff that we protect each other from.
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Where are we going spend the holidays this year?

Nov 2nd, 2009No Comments

Wherever we spend our holidays says which family is most important to us. Whichever family gets the most priority during the holidays is our primary family. What is the important part of my holiday and whom I spend that with? Do we go to their house or do they come to ours? Where is Thanksgiving dinner? Where do we open our presents?

Our primary family is what we see ourselves to be most a part of. It is where we feel that we most belong. What we are most a part of is our primary role-identification. Am I primarily a husband and father or am I primarily my parents’ son? I have to choose. Whether we realize it our not, what we emphasize during the holidays tells our mates, our children, our parents, and everyone around us where we stand. Actions speak louder than words.
Sometimes our family of origin is so strong, that we forget that our new family needs to be acknowledged. Do we trust our new family enough to make it our priority? Are we worried about hurting people’s feelings? By acting to not hurt people’s feelings, are we breaking other people’s hearts?
It does not mean we can’t be part of several families and celebrate them at different times. But which one are we most a part of? Which relationships are the most important to us? That is probably the family we should consider emphasizing the most this holiday season.
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Moment of opportunity for change in a relationship

Oct 13th, 2009No Comments

Relationships (like people) have behavioral patterns that create separation and undesired outcomes. Making change in a relationship requires acting in the moment when the pattern that you want to change repeats itself. I call this the moment of opportunity.

For example: Say a husband and wife have a behavioral pattern of the husband turning the TV on when his wife was planning to talk about her day. She tells him about something and he half listens while he watches the football game. The wife gets her feelings hurt- feeling unheard, unimportant, and unloved. She stops competing with the TV and sadly retreats to the kitchen. She stews it for a couple of days and then tells her husband that she wants to “talk about the relationship.” He thinks “Oh Man” and dutifully listens to her. She tells him that she just does not feel important to him anymore, but does not tell him why. He says, “Oh honey, you are the world to me,” and she thinks that this has resolved the problem. All is well- until the next night he comes home, watches TV, and she gets hurt again. Even if she refers to the pattern more specifically during the talk, eventually, one of them will have to do something different when the pattern repeats itself.

In fact, the only way that this pattern can change is for one of them to do something different while it is actually happening- during the moment of opportunity. What if… the next time it repeats itself (and it will), the wife recognizes the moment of opportunity and stands in front of the TV set and says, “It is really important to me to tell you about my day. Is there a time that we could do that?” This may or may not be a good idea, but the point is that she is acting differently in the moment of opportunity, and therefore has created a chance for a different outcome. And he has an immediate reference to what she is talking about.
So… look for the those moments of opportunity to address things as they happen. It may be a little scary at first, but you will find that the results that you get make it well worth it.
PS: Using moments of opportunity are even more essential with children. Otherwise, they just hear your request as “blah, blah, blah.”
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Time for couples retreat?

Oct 12th, 2009No Comments
I saw the movie Couples Retreat www.couplesretreatmovie.com over the weekend. Although I found the movie to be a bit silly (and funny), it illustrated the value of a retreat. All four couples disengage from the kids, work, routines, and patterns in their lives and and are left with each other to deal with. With some encouragement and guidance in the form of therapy sessions and an adventure, all four couples were able to reconnect with each other in a significant way. Was it oversimplified and Hollywood unrealistic? Yes, but you would be surprised at the break-throughs and healing I’ve seen happen with some guidance and time away from the duties and distractions of modern day life.

I recommend the movie if you like comedies with a cool message, and I definitely recommend a doing a couples retreat. If you or someone you know is interested in a couples retreat, send me an email at info@michaelhoffman.info. I can help you find one or set one up in your area… or Cabo for the matter. It is getting a bit cold after all.
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