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Hearing intent allows true communication
Different human beings live in such different worlds. Our realities are a by-product of our beliefs, hopes, and dreams. When people believe something has helped them, they naturally want to share it with us. The challenge is that may make little sense in our world. This is why people recommend things to us like strange diets, multilevel marketing, religious faiths, and unwanted relationship advice. They believe it will help us. They feel excited. We feel awkward and annoyed.
Your only hope of understanding their heart is hearing their intent. They may really believe that their multi-level business will make you rich, that their faith will enrich you life, or that your family would be better off if you just ate dinner together. If so, their intent is to offer you a gift. It is their way of loving you. The words may come across as condescending and judgmental, but their intent is to offer you the best thing they know.
Hearing intent is the only way you can understand what someone is really trying to say to you. Their words will often get lost in translation–not able to bridge the gap between your two worlds. But hearing intent never lies.
Hear their intent when you feel offended. If it was meant to uplift you- thank them (although you may choose not to take their advice). Remember the advice is just the words and content- not the message. Same goes for when they give you an off-handed compliment that does not feel quite right. If it was not intended to uplift you- do not thank them.
You have to hear intent with your heart. You have to feel their intention. Your brain isn’t wired for that. It is not an intellectual process. To hear intent you have to allow their energy in and feel it.
Then you know what they really meant to say.
You hurt my feelings
There are two sides of telling someone your feelings are hurt. On one hand, in order to walk open and honest, you need to express when your feelings get hurt. On the other hand, never lose perspective that your feelings being hurt is your issue. What that person did or said is filtered through your belief systems, perceptions, and past experiences. You are the one that had an issue with it.
The primary things that need to happen when your feelings get hurt is giving and getting information. You need to give them information of what they did or said, how you interpreted it, and how you felt. This will help them understand how you tend to translate things and communicate with you more compassionately. You need to get information about what they intended. In other words, find out what they meant by it.
Since it is critical for both of you to understand that your feelings being hurt is your issue, it is often beneficial to use I statements and take responsibility for what you’re feeling. You might say, “When you said, ‘Why did you do that?’ I took it that you were suggesting that I did it the wrong way. I felt hurt.”
So telling someone they hurt your feelings is actually not the most effective way to tell them they hurt your feelings. Hmm? Better to own how you interpreted it and how you felt.
The challenge is of course that when you are expressing your hurt feelings, it is challenging to own anything. Because after all, your feelings are hurt. It feels like they were mean to you… mistreated you… were insensitive… and whatever else. So there is a tendency to assume that they were.
So why not take a step back and ask them?… “When you said, I was ______, what did you mean by that?”
Stop apologizing for yourself
What if there was nothing wrong with you? Only that you believe there is something wrong with you. Your human qualities are what distinguish you from other people. Why would you apologize for them?
If other people have issues with you, they are, after all, their issues. Not to say that you may not want to change something about yourself- but do it on your terms. Not because somebody else would prefer that you did- so they could be more comfortable.
We are trained that way. If something is wrong, it must be someone’s fault. And some of us are in the habit to take the blame. It often goes back to a role we took in our family of origin. But that was when we were young and needed to do so to feel loved. At this point it may be a habit that no longer serves you.
And there are many that love it when you take the blame. Then they do not have to be accountable to themselves. Enabling someone like this takes away their opportunity to learn the lessons they need to. So whether they are a significant other, family member, or child- do not let them off the hook. It prevents them from developing character and strength. And it gives away your personal power.
Of course like all habits, ceasing to apologize for yourself may require you to get out of your comfort zone. Most worthwhile things do. If you pay attention, you will increase your awareness and start noticing yourself apologizing for yourself. At first you may notice it after you do it. But if you stay with it, you will start to notice right before you are about to apologize for yourself. Then you have the choice to not do it. Why not give it a shot? See what happens.
Besides, maybe you are just perfect for where you are at.
Match the investment of those you are giving to
Givers love to give to other people. This is a beautiful quality, but many do not appreciate your gift or may even take advantage of it. So your giving has a limited effect. If, on the other hand, you give to people that make use of your offering, it completes the circle and makes a huge difference.
So although it may seem contrary to the mood of giving freely, it is essential to consider how much to give to the people you give to. This requires discernment.
One technique for acquiring discernment when giving is to match the investment of the person you are giving to. Give them something and observe what they do with it. If they use it, work with it, appreciate it, or in other words invest something of themselves into it, continue giving to them. If however, they use what you give them as long as they do not have to invest anything, it is a sign to stop giving to that person. They are likely just looking to take. Better to offer your precious gift to someone that will do something with it.
Givers and takers often have karmic relationships with each other. This was well portrayed in the movie Something Borrowed. The main character (played by Ginnifer Goodwin) was a classic giver. She realizes she and the fiance’ of her friend (Kate Hudson) have strong feelings for each other. She painstakingly considers how acting on this would affect her friend. When she is about to walk away from her love interest out of loyalty to her friend, another friend (John Krasinsky) points out that if the situation was reversed, Kate Hudson’s character would not hesitate for a second to pursue the relationship. She was more invested in the friendship then her friend.
Givers go out of their way to sacrifice themselves to people that do not appreciate it. So they end up not allowing themselves to have what they really want.
Matching the others investment keeps the relationship honest. It allows you to give to people that have the capacity and desire to give something back- whether is back to you or to someone else.
A tendency to share the least with the people we are “closest”
Ever spill your guts to a stranger? And then say you are the only person that I have ever told that to. Ever wonder why did I do that?
Our investment in a relationship with a stranger is less. As we invest more and more in a relationship, it becomes more risky to expose ideas and feelings that are out of the box. There is a marriage at stake. We don’t want to threaten the friendship. So there is a tendency to become less vulnerable and honest as the investment in the relationship increases. Unfortunately, this tendency to stay safe keeps the relationship superficial.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. People in strong and vital relationships continually take risks with each other. Each person exposes vulnerabilities trusting the other will accept that part of them.
Before any of this can happen, the relationship has to feel safe. To create emotional safety (also known as trust), we have to resist sarcastic and flippant comments when the other person is being real. When someone is vulnerable it often stirs up feelings in us. If we are not paying attention, we unconsciously say something to shut them down- so we do not have to feel. There is no place for cleverness, criticism, or advice when someone is sharing. One snide comment can shut the other person down. Then we are back to being superficial.
So at any given moment, we choose being close or superficial in our relationships. Closeness requires taking emotional risks and embracing whatever the other shares about herself. You cannot have both at the same time- you have to choose.
Choosing closeness means we are not left with sharing the things most precious to us in the line at the grocery store or when we drink too much.
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