There are two sides of telling someone your feelings are hurt. On one hand, in order to walk open and honest, you need to express when your feelings get hurt. On the other hand, never lose perspective that your feelings being hurt is your issue. What that person did or said is filtered through your belief systems, perceptions, and past experiences. You are the one that had an issue with it.

The primary things that need to happen when your feelings get hurt is giving and getting information. You need to give them information of what they did or said, how you interpreted it, and how you felt. This will help them understand how you tend to translate things and communicate with you more compassionately. You need to get information about what they intended. In other words, find out what they meant by it.

Since it is critical for both of you to understand that your feelings being hurt is your issue, it is often beneficial to use I statements and take responsibility for what you’re feeling. You might say, “When you said, ‘Why did you do that?’ I took it that you were suggesting that I did it the wrong way. I felt hurt.”

So telling someone they hurt your feelings is actually not the most effective way to tell them they hurt your feelings. Hmm? Better to own how you interpreted it and how you felt.

The challenge is of course that when you are expressing your hurt feelings, it is challenging to own anything. Because after all, your feelings are hurt. It feels like they were mean to you… mistreated you… were insensitive… and whatever else. So there is a tendency to assume that they were.

So why not take a step back and ask them?… “When you said, I was ______, what did you mean by that?”

About author:

Michael Hoffman’s passion is guiding people to create the life that they want. The demands of our current culture often take people away from their dreams and the individual expression of their being. Michael believes people have left behind some essential elements of being human including connecting with and genuinely caring about each other.As a transformational speaker, Michael conducts “Metamorphosis” retreats, classes, and individual and couples sessions to allow people to reclaim the life they want. These venues allow people to see the possibilities and inroads available to them. Participants are walked through their entire change process or metamorphosis into their desired life. The experiential work draws primarily on Zen thought, Native American ceremony, rites-of-passage, personal belief systems, and Jungian dream-work and symbolism.Michael also maintains a “meta blog” to provide knowledge, skills and awareness for unfolding your new life. He is compiling his knowledge of emotional and spiritual development into books to further assist people in creating a more harmonious and cooperative way of life.Michael earned his Bachelor of Science in Psychology in 1987 and Master of Social Work in 1996. Michael is a licensed clinical social worker (LICSW) in the state of Washington. In addition to his formal education, Michael studied and apprenticed with a Zen Master and spiritual teacher for 22 years to learn how to affect change with people. He has worked with people professionally since 1986- mostly as a psychotherapist.Michael currently resides in Spokane, Washington.

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