Reduce their defensiveness

Jan 4th, 2012No Comments

People get really defensive. I think it is because our current culture has become so critical and judgmental. People do not hear what you are saying when they get defensive.

Yet, it is essential to give people feedback as to how their behavior affects you. I believe defensiveness is the number one barrier when giving someone feedback.

When you think about it, when you are giving someone feedback, you are actually making a request for them to change something in themselves so the two of you can interact more effectively. You are asking a lot. If you make the request about you, they are likely to be less defensive.

There is a communication technique that encourages the use of I statements (instead of you demands) when communicating what you need from someone. For instance, “I would like it you would listen to me for a minute before turning the TV on,” creates much less defensiveness then, “You always turn the TV on right when you get home.” Note that adding always tends to add more defensiveness.

After all, whose need is it? They believe their existing way of doing things is working well for them. It is us who needs them to change something. So why not make it about you?

To create even less defensiveness than the I statement technique, add in asking it like a favor. Then throw in how it would benefit you and your interaction/relationship for good measure: “It would help me out if
you could listen to me for a while when you got off work- rather then turning the TV on right away. It would mean a lot to me and help me feel closer to you.”

You let them feel like they are helping you out. You let them save face. There is nothing for them to get defensive about.

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About author:

Michael Hoffman’s passion is guiding people to connect with their natural gifts. He believes that we all have innate gifts that hugely benefit others and the world when we offer them. The purest example of these gifts is the Native American concept of medicine or the gift you offer your people. Michael defines your medicine or gift as the natural effect you have on other people when your heart is open. Unfortunately, the demands of our current culture to comply and fit in often distract people away from their inherent gifts and the natural expression of their being. Michael believes many of us have forgotten our dreams and what we are about. This sadly results in a loss of purpose, passion, and vitality. As an innate gift specialist, Michael offers retreats, classes, and individual sessions to allow people to reclaim their natural gifts. These venues allow people to identify, awaken, and offer their gifts. This experiential work incorporates Zen thought, Native American ceremony, rites-of-passage, and releasing limiting belief systems. Michael also maintains his meta blog to provide knowledge, skills, and awareness for unfolding your natural gifts. He is currently compiling this knowledge and research into a college class and book. Michael earned his Bachelor of Science in Psychology in 1987 and Master of Social Work in 1996. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. In addition to his formal education, Michael studied and apprenticed with a Zen Master and spiritual teacher for 22 years to learn how to guide people to understand themselves. He has worked with people professionally since 1986 as a psychotherapist and teacher. Michael currently resides in Oceanside, California.

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