A tendency to share the least with the people we are “closest”

May 19th, 2011No Comments

Ever spill your guts to a stranger? And then say you are the only person that I have ever told that to. Ever wonder why did I do that?

Our investment in a relationship with a stranger is less. As we invest more and more in a relationship, it becomes more risky to expose ideas and feelings that are out of the box. There is a marriage at stake. We don’t want to threaten the friendship. So there is a tendency to become less vulnerable and honest as the investment in the relationship increases. Unfortunately, this tendency to stay safe keeps the relationship superficial.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. People in strong and vital relationships continually take risks with each other. Each person exposes vulnerabilities trusting the other will accept that part of them.

Before any of this can happen, the relationship has to feel safe. To create emotional safety (also known as trust), we have to resist sarcastic and flippant comments when the other person is being real. When someone is vulnerable it often stirs up feelings in us. If we are not paying attention, we unconsciously say something to shut them down- so we do not have to feel. There is no place for cleverness, criticism, or advice when someone is sharing. One snide comment can shut the other person down. Then we are back to being superficial.

So at any given moment, we choose being close or superficial in our relationships. Closeness requires taking emotional risks and embracing whatever the other shares about herself. You cannot have both at the same time- you have to choose.

Choosing closeness means we are not left with sharing the things most precious to us in the line at the grocery store or when we drink too much.

, , , , , , , , Clear Relationships, Understanding Emotion
About author:

Michael Hoffman’s passion is guiding people to connect with their natural gifts. He believes that we all have innate gifts that hugely benefit others and the world when we offer them. The purest example of these gifts is the Native American concept of medicine or the gift you offer your people. Michael defines your medicine or gift as the natural effect you have on other people when your heart is open. Unfortunately, the demands of our current culture to comply and fit in often distract people away from their inherent gifts and the natural expression of their being. Michael believes many of us have forgotten our dreams and what we are about. This sadly results in a loss of purpose, passion, and vitality. As an innate gift specialist, Michael offers retreats, classes, and individual sessions to allow people to reclaim their natural gifts. These venues allow people to identify, awaken, and offer their gifts. This experiential work incorporates Zen thought, Native American ceremony, rites-of-passage, and releasing limiting belief systems. Michael also maintains his meta blog to provide knowledge, skills, and awareness for unfolding your natural gifts. He is currently compiling this knowledge and research into a college class and book. Michael earned his Bachelor of Science in Psychology in 1987 and Master of Social Work in 1996. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. In addition to his formal education, Michael studied and apprenticed with a Zen Master and spiritual teacher for 22 years to learn how to guide people to understand themselves. He has worked with people professionally since 1986 as a psychotherapist and teacher. Michael currently resides in Oceanside, California.

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