Accepting necessary loss

Jan 13th, 2011No Comments

Many of us did not get the love we needed from our parents when we were 6, 8, or 10 years old. We likely translated that that as there is something wrong with us- that we were deficient is some way. We say, “My own father was not able to love and accept me to be the way that I am.”

We often try to resolve this by finding someone that was like that person, and try to get them to love us. This is the classic dating someone that is like a parent or ex and getting them to love us. We figure this will give us reconciliation. It proves we are lovable, right?!

It is a great idea that simply does not work. I might even find someone exactly like my mother, father, or ex and get them to love me. They could love and accept me with all their heart. But it will never feel like it did when I was 6,8, or 10. Or 23 for that matter. I am different now. The person that I was is no longer around. It does not feel the same. I do not have the same perspective or point of reference.

So how do you resolve it? You accept necessary loss. You accept the fact that you did not get the love you needed from your parent when you were 6, 8, and 10. You feel it. Then we realize that it was not about you. There was nothing about you that made that person not love you. They were not simply not able to love you at the time.

And that is very sad. But, it does not mean that you are unlovable.

Once we accept necessary loss, we can cease interacting with emotionally unavailable that are like our parent or ex and start interacting with people who are able to love us.

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About author:

Michael Hoffman’s passion is guiding people to connect with their natural gifts. He believes that we all have innate gifts that hugely benefit others and the world when we offer them. The purest example of these gifts is the Native American concept of medicine or the gift you offer your people. Michael defines your medicine or gift as the natural effect you have on other people when your heart is open. Unfortunately, the demands of our current culture to comply and fit in often distract people away from their inherent gifts and the natural expression of their being. Michael believes many of us have forgotten our dreams and what we are about. This sadly results in a loss of purpose, passion, and vitality. As an innate gift specialist, Michael offers retreats, classes, and individual sessions to allow people to reclaim their natural gifts. These venues allow people to identify, awaken, and offer their gifts. This experiential work incorporates Zen thought, Native American ceremony, rites-of-passage, and releasing limiting belief systems. Michael also maintains his meta blog to provide knowledge, skills, and awareness for unfolding your natural gifts. He is currently compiling this knowledge and research into a college class and book. Michael earned his Bachelor of Science in Psychology in 1987 and Master of Social Work in 1996. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. In addition to his formal education, Michael studied and apprenticed with a Zen Master and spiritual teacher for 22 years to learn how to guide people to understand themselves. He has worked with people professionally since 1986 as a psychotherapist and teacher. Michael currently resides in Oceanside, California.

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