Watch out for “Prove you love me” games

Jul 28th, 20102 Comments

One of the most prevalent and destructive games we play in our relationships is the”prove you love me.” One person sets the other up to prove that he or she cares. This tendency stems from the illusory beliefs and pictures we carry about love and relationships. It almost always results from an unresolved issue with a parent.

The “prove you love me” usually involves role dynamics. If someone believes that it is a partner’s role to provide financial support or whatever else for them, they will manipulate their partner (usually unconsciously) to provide it for them. I have observed highly capable people not provide for themselves because they believe that their partner owes that to them.

Similarly, adult children who are still holding onto the notion that their parents owe them a living will put themselves in dire straits to have their parents prove that they love them by offering financial support.

Or… we may stubbornly believe that we are right and that our partner ought to take care of something. We will actually create a situation that forces the issue by putting them in a position that requires them to honor our will and thereby prove they love us.

Not only is this childish, but it creates a lot of tension and pain in relationships. It is a form of control. We seem to need to reenact these games over the years to prove that the so-called love is still there.  These are the little things that build up in a marriage over the years causing separation and resentment.

If you take the contractual part of the husband/wife, parent/child, employer/employee out of it and look at it as the human being to human being issue that it really is- it is a terrible thing to do to someone. It takes the person for granted and places selfish demands on them.

I present this dynamic to increase awareness from both sides of the fence. If you observe yourself pulling a prove you love me, care enough to cease doing it.  If you observe a partner, child, parent, employee, or boss doing it to you, care enough about yourself to put a stop to it.

Because… prove you love me games are not very loving.

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About author:

Michael Hoffman’s passion is guiding people to connect with their natural gifts. He believes that we all have innate gifts that hugely benefit others and the world when we offer them. The purest example of these gifts is the Native American concept of medicine or the gift you offer your people. Michael defines your medicine or gift as the natural effect you have on other people when your heart is open. Unfortunately, the demands of our current culture to comply and fit in often distract people away from their inherent gifts and the natural expression of their being. Michael believes many of us have forgotten our dreams and what we are about. This sadly results in a loss of purpose, passion, and vitality. As an innate gift specialist, Michael offers retreats, classes, and individual sessions to allow people to reclaim their natural gifts. These venues allow people to identify, awaken, and offer their gifts. This experiential work incorporates Zen thought, Native American ceremony, rites-of-passage, and releasing limiting belief systems. Michael also maintains his meta blog to provide knowledge, skills, and awareness for unfolding your natural gifts. He is currently compiling this knowledge and research into a college class and book. Michael earned his Bachelor of Science in Psychology in 1987 and Master of Social Work in 1996. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. In addition to his formal education, Michael studied and apprenticed with a Zen Master and spiritual teacher for 22 years to learn how to guide people to understand themselves. He has worked with people professionally since 1986 as a psychotherapist and teacher. Michael currently resides in Oceanside, California.

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2 Responses to “Watch out for “Prove you love me” games”

  1. Michael Webb Relationship Collection says:
    December 22, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Wonderful blog! I saw it at Google and I must say that entries are well thought of. I will be coming back to see more posts soon.

  2. admin says:
    December 25, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Thank you Michael.

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