Setting parameters to define your relationships

Oct 23rd, 2009No Comments

Most of our relationships have become casual. We allow them evolve without thinking about how we want them to be. We do not take the time to maintain them or keep them on track. What if… we invested some time to define our relationships by thinking about and deciding what we want them to be. We could ask ourselves: What am I looking for in this relationship? Then, we could set “parameters” (like limits) to keep that definition intact. Whenever one of us starts to deviate from that definition, we care enough to set a parameter and say or give them a signal that says: That is not what this relationship is about for me; I want it to be more like this.

Effective parameters can be subtle, but they are always clear. For example, when a coworker flirts with you, think about whether you want flirting to be part of that relationship (definition). Then, give them clear signals (parameters) telling them whether or not you want flirting to be part of that relationship. Or… when a friend is not spending as much time with you as you would like (definition), let them know that you miss them and would like to see them sometime soon (parameter). If they are not available on an ongoing basis, you can redefine that relationship to more of an “acquaintance”, and seek a new friend to meet your friendship needs.

By setting parameters, both people than know where they stand with each other. This leads to trusting the relationship and trusting each other. It allows us to get what we want most from the relationship. Defining our relationships and setting parameters to maintain them lays a foundation for them to go deeper and to be more fulfilling.
Defining relationships and setting parameters requires a lot of work. Definition requires thought and difficult decisions. Setting parameters requires courage and strength to address awkward and difficult situations. And… we have to pay attention. But sooner or later, we have to ask ourselves, “Just how important are our relationships to us?”
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About author:

Michael Hoffman’s passion is guiding people to connect with their natural gifts. He believes that we all have innate gifts that hugely benefit others and the world when we offer them. The purest example of these gifts is the Native American concept of medicine or the gift you offer your people. Michael defines your medicine or gift as the natural effect you have on other people when your heart is open. Unfortunately, the demands of our current culture to comply and fit in often distract people away from their inherent gifts and the natural expression of their being. Michael believes many of us have forgotten our dreams and what we are about. This sadly results in a loss of purpose, passion, and vitality. As an innate gift specialist, Michael offers retreats, classes, and individual sessions to allow people to reclaim their natural gifts. These venues allow people to identify, awaken, and offer their gifts. This experiential work incorporates Zen thought, Native American ceremony, rites-of-passage, and releasing limiting belief systems. Michael also maintains his meta blog to provide knowledge, skills, and awareness for unfolding your natural gifts. He is currently compiling this knowledge and research into a college class and book. Michael earned his Bachelor of Science in Psychology in 1987 and Master of Social Work in 1996. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. In addition to his formal education, Michael studied and apprenticed with a Zen Master and spiritual teacher for 22 years to learn how to guide people to understand themselves. He has worked with people professionally since 1986 as a psychotherapist and teacher. Michael currently resides in Oceanside, California.

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